a secret arabian journal: redux

Khalas

2006-11-20T04:19:00.001-08:00

FIN.

This blog is over for real now and by request, and will continue at:

http://secretarabianjournal.blogspot.com/

toddle loo...

The End of an Era

2006-11-16T04:36:00.000-08:00

;-)

I've been told to check on Sleepless In Muscat over the weekend for updates.

Bidoon-ak

2006-11-02T05:33:00.000-08:00

Not going to the promised 'diss' like I said I would before. Instead I am going to do a serious rant on an issue that is going to affect every Emirati in this country and perhaps damage our culture in years to come at its core.

October saw phase one of our Government's policies to boost the population come into effect. Nationals are to be made of some 10,000 people who have been living in the UAE for over 30 years. I never thought that the Govt would have the guts to do it, but it appears that someone somewhere does have a pair brass ones and make true to their promise and set the ball rolling for the cultural destruction of the UAE.

Let me pre-empt by saying I don’t have a problem with Indians/Pakistanis and Bengalis. I have a cousin married to one, and she is a beautiful human being and if any of my sisters or daughters wanted to marry an Asian from one of these countries, then I will judge him on his personality and character and not his race. I don’t mind having grandkids that are mixed raced…that’s not the issue…what I do mind is the selling out of our society based on some half baked ill thought through ideas.

I am all for the wholesale nationalizing of foreigners to being Emirati as long as their culture does not contradict or compromise our own culture. Really I sometimes wonder if some of the people making the decisions really studied for their education or just paid for it through wasta. Sub-Continentals are here in a big mass, their culture is so rich and full of life that a billion dollar world wide entertainment and fashion industry has come from it because it is so strong. So what does the brains in the Department of Naturalization do…they give a huge number of them passports.

Yes we need more Local because we are currently a minority, and the only way our numbers will get stronger is if we nationalize others, but not in this way. I am sorry to say this, but racial discrimination maybe a bad thing…but sometimes it's essential.

If the decision is mine, I will only nationalize those who have been disenfranchised from their own countries or those from former colonies of ours and have a strong genetic link back to us. Us Khaleeji took slaves from East Africa and Iran and gave them culture and they gave us back culture. So nationalize them. Balushi/Iraniain people are similar to us so their culture compliments ours. East Africans is a different story, but some Africans nationalities have a knack of being able to assimilate into any host culture and become part of it while keeping enough of their identity. So they are good. But you don’t nationalize those from the Asian Subcontinent in such numbers. You do it case by case.

Can you imagine the division you are opening this country up for if you nationalize a segment of society that is different (yet similar in all the most dangerous ways). We already have silly divisions based on which Emirate a person comes from. (The slickers in Abu Dhabi are always jealous of us in Dubai, while the Ajmanites are always trying to remind the rest of the GCC that they are really are a real Emirate and not a piece of sand sticking out from Sharjah…and don’t get me started on RAK. What the fcuk is up with your Emirate???) Plus the remaining two Emirates…if ever a state or nation needed a PR company to get even a bit of recognition for existence…it is those two. Ya3ny Fujer-who?)

Anyway, point is, Emirities are divided enough as it is. You start granting passports to a group (which we all have to admit, are perhaps the least popular ethnicity in the GCC) then you are opening up a can of worms.

If the true reason behind nationalizing so many Asians is a way of saying sorry for mistreating you, then how about fixing the problem in the correct way. Give them equal rights NOT passports. The Emirati passport is a treasure and the culture it is coming from is small in its population and needs to be preserved.

I know I am not the only Emirati who is worried that the national language of the UAE will become Urdu or Hindi. Ok someone can say that considering the amount of other foreigners that have been given passports, we still manage to speak Arabic and not Farsi.. But hey if we are going to start nationalizing thousands of Indians, maybe we should start Nationalizing thousands of European origin people…and lets not stop there, how about Koreans and Filipinos…oh yeah and you Filipinos are next, the Polls from the previous post are still open.

Vote

2006-10-31T05:39:00.000-08:00

Ok this maybe hyping the post up a lot more than it really should be hyped... But my first controversial rant of the season was going to concentrate soley on Filipenoes. Many will read it and perhaps say it is rude, vulgar and racist. Even when I read it over I was offended.

So I will put to a vote. Shall I publish it next week or not?

WARNING:

2006-10-25T01:17:00.000-07:00

Ramdhan is over , and I feel a ~~rant~~ diss coming...

28 Days Later: Pure Rage

2006-10-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

At 8.56 am Monday it begun

Unconfirmed reports started coming in of beings in white, attacking expats, British, German, South African, in an uncontrolable rage.

At 11.29 am

A coach full of Austrian tourists headed to a desert safari vanishes. Eye witnesses speak of seveal Toyota Landcrusiers tailgating the vehical 20 minutes before its disappearance.

At 3.27 pm
Mr. Joe Foreigner from Satwa is found beaten to death

At 4.00 pm
His imate is found and this frightening image is retrieved from it.

It appears the beings in white are are staging an uprisng.

The Locals are staging an intefada.

Death Row

2006-10-10T23:05:00.000-07:00

Ok Abdul Gafer Hussein, as a Muslim Emirati man, what do you mean when you say "does not suit a developed society such as the UAE."? The death penalty in the UAE is not the same as the death penalty in the US and even though I agree with you that the UAE should not be executing anyone accused of making a serious crime, I disagree with what you are saying.

You see Mr. Hussein, the death penalty is a part of Sharia, Islamic law that has its root in prophetic Revelation. But the death penalty should only be used in a legal system that is 'just' , fair and accurate. This is why it cannot be applied in the US, because the people who most likely to be on the Death Row would be those who cannot afford good expenisive lawyers plus it is a man made law...and everything man made is falible. In the UAE , the legal system here is a little questioning, especially when someone like Dallas Austin, because he is a celebrity, can get away with having Class A drugs...but Mr Kuwaity Al Nobody is going to have the book thrown at him because he has a drug that is the equivelant of alchohol.

So Mr Hussein the problem is not that the Death penalty doesnt suit such a developed society as the UAE, (because with that you imply that sharia is a primitive and backwards law) but the problem is that the whole legal system in our country as it is now , is not mature, just enough or developed enough to support the death penalty.

a prayer before dying?

2006-10-04T10:53:00.000-07:00

How about a tic tac and siwaq before prayers...?

Please, especially now during Ramadhan

Narrated Jabir bin Abdullah: "The Prophet said, 'Whoever has eaten garlic or onion, should keep away from us, or should keep away from our mosque and should stay at home.' (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Holding Fast to the Qur'an and Sunnah, Volume 9, Book 92, Number 458)"

Some ramadhan advice ;-)

Allo world

2006-09-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

A year ago I said this:

A year from now , no one will remember what 'blogging' is and a new fad would of taken its place. But for now, just for now, let me rest in its lime light. World are you ready for me?

I guess I was wrong. Everyone is blogging now, but being the very humble person that I am... I am sure the world wasnt ready for me. Now since I started blogging every other Emirati and expat has started blogging so I am going to do my own appraisal of these new and some old bloggers. I think Ali and Yahya would call it a Blogging around the Gulf, but I am going to call it My top 10 Diss List part II: The UAE Bloggers Edition.

Muwahahahahaa! *cough*

BTW...pls read through my old posts, there arnt to many over the last 12 months.

My Ramadhan Reflections

2006-09-23T03:40:00.000-07:00

Another month of glancing at the clock every 5 minutes waiting 4 ifta to come...

Another month of being hungry at times of the day you are not usually hungry...even if you typically dont eat anything at that time of time day anyway...

Another month of being extra nice to people who you forgot even existed during the past 11 months...

Another month of pretending to do any work, coz you know in reality, Ramadhan is a month long Holiday...

Another month of awkward visits to relatives you dont even like...

And Another month to be thankful and reflective that you are alive and that you have your health and your family and friends...and despite how bad your situation is (even without the gthings I just mentioned), there will always be someone else worse off than you.

What makes Ramadhan 2006 so special?

Is it that because this year is the 5th anniversary that some ambassadors from the Arab world apparently staged the most destructive attack on America in modern history...ever?

No.

Is it that the ruler of the Christian World practically declared war on the Muslim World by saying some really dumb and unappropriate things?

No.

Is it because the Arab and Muslim world is more unstable than ever?

No.

It is because Lost Season 3 is too begin this Ramadhan and I am tearing my hair out wating for it to begin after watching a summer of its re-runs. Curse You America for making us have to wait this long for your only good export ...and for getting me hooked on such an excellent piece of quality entertainment.

Ramadhan Kareeem!

PRESS RELEASE

2006-09-19T05:40:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Yahya who wrote this release for me, it will soon be sent out to the media ;-0

"
Secret Arabian is pleased to announce that Jassim Al Gaberi wll launch a new service to tie in with his blog's new look. Quickly following the re-release of his blog named *insert witty blog title* as a Secret Arabian: Redux; the sister blog to Sleepless in Muscat and A Secret Arabian Journal, his new blog has been re-designed to benefit the people of the UAE and the wider world, as well as his own pockets.

"I am back, and in my usual mode of being a Local Super Hero who likes to help people of all backgrounds and nationalities, as long as they are Emirati, I am re-launching my blog." said Jassim CEO of Secret Arabian Redux. "With this re-launch, will be a new service called rent-a-angry-muslim-mob. I am an entrepreneur who is always looking for new ways to make money and this is what the UAE is about, making the money, I mean helping people."

Mr. Gaberi's last project where he was assigned by Wiley Publishers to create a series of 'Dummies guide to' books yielded unexpected results, demonstrating that there is a fine line between failure and success.

"After the release of a Dummies Guide to Middle Eastern Policy, one of my biggest clients, the Pope...took some of its advice to heart and of course caused an uproar. The book can be considered successful, as after reading it he managed to successfully get Muslims to be even more pissed off with the Christian World and simultaneously piss Jews off with him, because he apologized to the Muslims. I mean he pissed off all three major religions in one swift go. You cannot make this up! By the way am I allowed to use such colorful language in this press release, ummm I mean piece of legitimate journalism?

After ensuring him that only 7Dazed and Kretin Times will be desperate enough to pick this story up Mr. Gaberi then spoke in-depth about the damaging repercussions that the Pope's speech made on his business. Here he expressed his sorrow that the Papal's reputation will now be in tatters after so many years of positive stories of the helping hand(s) that they have been giving to children, especially young boys. He was also doubtful about the future of his series of books for Wiley Publishers but saw a silver lining to the disaster.

In the resulting wake of the controversy he has identified a hole in the market where he says that those from the Associated Press to the White House, to the 'Ordinary Muslim Man' on the street can all benefit from.

"My rent-a-angry-muslim-mob service is for the world media organizations. As high profile individuals continue to issue more and more anti-Islamic brain farts, there is going to be a growing need for 'angry muslim mob reactions', that make excellent photo opportunities for the front page of every newspaper from the free thinking Gulf News to the beloved an impartial Washington Post.' said Gaberi.

The rent-a-angry-muslim-mob service works through a registration service that allows Muslim men who have no jobs and plenty of free time to register their availability for 'reactionary photo ops.' A separate registration facility is made for media organizations. When a high profile individual, says, writes or draws anything offensive to Muslims, any of the registered wires or media organizations will instantly be contacted, where they will be informed of exactly where a group of between 20 to 2000 individuals have gathered to express their rage for the cameras.'

'Protestors are taught how to shout Allah Akbar in the most animal like way possible, accompanied by some nonsensical phrases in either the Arabic or a Sub continental Language. The kind of people who register for this service will be paid according to what we have trained them for, whether that's just shouting or the burning down of Embassies, but it is preferable if they have little real knowledge of the religion they are apparently attempting to defend.' Said Gaberi.

When questioned on whether he had plans to expand the service he replied. 'Yes, a discount version will be made available to local UAE Bloggers who are becoming more and more proficient at saying stupid things. Right now I am negotiating with Emirati from Emirati Thoughts on a special deal: The next time he says something stupid we will arrange to have 3 hundred or so protestors readily available to crowd Madinat Zayed's main streets to complain about for example: his proposed reforms to change Ramadan Prayer times or to water cannon unruly Indians who pose a risk of toppling this countries government and taking over all of the remaining corner shops with dangerously out of date produce. The future looks bright.' Gaberi concluded.

About Secret Arabian:

Secret Arabian was established in 2005 by a British Kuwaiti blogger soon to be named Abu Abdu (Twisted.ae), which later formed into a triumvite of bloggers who had an alternating line up every 6 months. Today Secret Arabian is made up Secret Arabian 1, Sleepless in Muscat and Secret Arabian: Redux.
The views expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the opinions of all of the writers who post here, or those who leave comments. Nor does it claim to resemble anything in real life, or amount to anything thought through or intelligent. "

Secret Arabian 1

2006-08-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

I am gonna stop posting on this blog until the end of the summer and will be back on Secret Arabian 1 for the next 4 weeks. Yahya is busy with work now and is going on a long holiday afterwards until September so I will be taking his place there, to help Ali out before you UAE bloggers kill him!

But! I also will be going Holiday sometime as well...i dont know when yet, but it will be for a short time.

Local Zero was right!!!!!!!!

2006-07-31T22:41:00.000-07:00

Expats and foreigners! You see what happens when you dont take my advice and buy this book??

Dubai: A Kuwaiti who was caught bringing in six grams of hashish at the Dubai International Airport will spend four years in jail, a court ruled yesterday. The Dubai Court of First Instance said 34-year-old Y.A. will be deported after serving his sentence.

Silly dumbass. The Kuwaiti sucker should of paid the six hundred dirhams and bought my book 'Middle Eastern Wasta for Newbies' (see previous post). Who the fcuk he thinks he is? Dallas Austin?

Because I care...

2006-07-25T00:50:00.000-07:00

click the photo for clearer image

Wiley Publishing, Inc have approached me (last night when I was dreaming) to write a selection of books for all the expats out there, because they know I care for your welfare.

I think these books which I have written (all since I have woken up) will be much more beneficial than Yahya's boring Getting Cross Cultural series on Secret Arabian I. Yes?

For those who want to buy a copy of this book, I will open a PayPal account soon. Each book will be around Dh600 each but I will be making a special edition of the Khaleej Times book available for free to their journalists and editors. In that version I will teach them how to write in good English..or at least to the level I speak. ;-)

FOR DUMMIES® is a registered trademark of Wiley Publishing, Inc., a subsidiary of John Wiley & Sons, Inc, so you guys dont try to sue me for infringement of copyrights blah-di-fcukin-blah...

The Killing Joke

2006-07-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

Dubai: World leaders were making frenetic efforts to find a solution to the crisis in Lebanon, even as Israel continued its incessant bombardment of the battered country for the sixth straight day

Gulfnews.

What is this? A comedy? The one man who could influence the Zionist bastards to stop bombing Lebanon and Gaza is the one man who is justifying these attacks.

That one man is also a joke. What kind of world leader can be taken seriously when his international counterparts take the piss out of him in front of his face during live international press conferences?

Kudos to the Russian premier on that jab you made at Bush on the subject of Russian Democrazy and Iraq. This man is a walking disaster and I had only wished more al-qa3da trained pretzels had been sent out to the White House on their assignation attempts for this guy! Fcuking dumbass.

Now this fcuking dumbass since he came into power has totally screwed up the Middle East and Afghanistan, making peace a fiction and intiating WW3. Yes folks coz World War 3 has officially begun. Why? Because while this dumbass was wasting time lying about fictional WMDs in Iraq, the country that was the real threat (North Korea) were busy perfecting ways to split atoms…and boasting about it.

Thank you American people for allowing this man to do four more years of damage. I know half of you didn’t like him but your patriots that Zionist Lobby and Evangelical Christian power house now has this incompetent and embarrising puppet to do their dirty work for them.

_____________________________________________________________

On a side note: Kudus to BBC News for showing a balanced assessment of this attack and fcuk you MBC4 and ABC for insulting us with your 'Israel are the victims and justified in their killing' reports. MBC you are an embarrassment.
But another Kudos to CNN, there is a funny news program called the Daily Show that I recommend that you watch, here this clever and open minded Jewish guy skillfully knows how to dissect a Bush and expose him for the idiot he really is.

A credit to our nation

2006-07-11T23:29:00.000-07:00

I read this article, this morning in the Gulf News Online, and it made me smile....

Lubna Al Qassimi a true Local Hero

Tagged by Ahmed

2006-07-11T23:18:00.000-07:00

This very late reply to a tag from Ahmed from Desert Mirage. Sorry dude.

20 Years Ago I...
* Was being a troublemaker.
* Went to Germany with my folks and hurt my knee.
* Got a baby brother.

10 Years Ago I...
* Was being a troublemaker.
* Bought A Motorcycle
* Sold My Motorcycle

5 Years Ago I...
* Was in London for a month
* Started at AUD
* Was being a troublemaker.

3 Years Ago I...
* Was being a troublemaker.
* Got my first babygirl
* Got my thumb caught in a sliding door of a van...I was infront of some girls when it happened, so I couldnt scream in pain and I couldnt put one almighty beating on the 10 year boy old who closed that door afterwards.

1 Year Ago I...
* I started my Masters degree, aced most of my classess accept International Banking which I barely made a pass mark in.
* Went camping in Hatar for a week
* Flew with Emirates for the 1st time. Leanred i was paying for service I could of got for better and cheaper on Qatar Airways.

So Far This Year, I...
* Moved to KSA and got a new job as a Project Manager
* Have been working on getting a baby boy.
* Stopped being a trouble maker (ya3ny took a break)

Yesterday, I...
* Had to shout at one of my sub-ordinates very loudly on the phone for 15 minutes, because he made a couple of major errors. Felt bad afterwards coz the whole office heared my voice and I think maybe some people in the next building may have heared as well.
* Started looking for a new car
* Wife bought an iPod Hi-Fi boom box type thing for the living room. Now our neighbours love us.

Today, I...
* Had a face to face meeting with the guy who screwed up. Had some coffee made for him and we discussed calmly on how to rectify the problems he made. I think we both felt better afterwards.
* Have two more meetings and a shit load of paperwork to do.
* Am happy that Summer is going into full swing and that means work should slow down next week for the next couple of months at most.

Tommorow, Inshallah I Will...
* Rent Pirates of the Caribbean 1...coz everyone is telling me how good it is and i havent seen it yet.
* Book our tickts for a week long break in Cairo.
* Have another meeting with a client :-(

In The Next Year, Inshallah, I Will...
* Return back to the UAE maybe, or spend another year in KSA.
* Resume being a trouble maker.
* Get payed tripple what I am now

I Will tag...NO ONE, coz its too late.

That Palestinian Puzzle

2006-07-01T02:48:00.000-07:00

Once again the Arab world looks on like a bunch of p*ssy's as the Israeli aggression against the Palestians continues to go on unchallenged. I am sure like many people already realize, this situation is not going to have a happy ending… and so much for democrazy in the Middle East, if doesn’t tie in with what the West wants.

The Palestinian problem is like a puzzle. On the one hand, terrorism is wrong and killing innocents are wrong. The guerilla tactics arnt working and only act as an excuse for the Israelies to continue their collective punishment of the larger Arab population, but on the other hand people can argue that Israel is a war zone and even the 'civilians' present there is an act of aggression making the Palestinian militants have every right to protect their existence by targeting these people.

What options do Palestinians have? If it was any other two peoples (I am hesitant to say nations) the international community would of cracked down heavily on those playing the role of the Israelis and be talking sanctions and similar rhetoric.

We need to take steps and help these people. We at Secret Arabian have been discussing on different occasions the subject of Nationalizing foreigners and although Zanzibarian and Iranian people have origins from the Gulf we should also be doing more to nationalize and help the Palestinians. This is the least we can do, because we seem too scared to do anything else.

Here's a radicle idea, maybe its time to move the Palestinians out of Palestinians and integrate them into the Arab world. Nationlize them all. What would the international community do then? This symbolic gesture may not be viewed as an act of surrender but infact defiance and show the world that what Israel is doing is wrong. I don’t agree with this idea of course, but as the saying goes 'lets try to think outside of the box.' I am just so fcuking tired of seeing these people being treated like animals and then being villainized because they respond like animals.

Getting Cross Cultural, or...

2006-06-24T00:12:00.000-07:00

...How to offend as much people, nationalities and races in one post as humanly possible.

I wanted to post this on Secret Arabian I, but it seems if my entry pass there has been revoked. I read something Gulf News this week about racial sterotypes and something on the internet the other week about Mariah Carey and how she hates racism. If you ever read the article you might see there are some aspects of logic missing from what Mrs. Carey was saying (apparently people forget that she is black, despite the way her face looks and the way her voice sounds… and the fact that she also is one of the biggest RnB singers in the world). But what she got me thinking about what people say amongst their own races about other races when they are not around.

So for everyone who are curious about how other people from races might be talking about you behind your back (maybe even your workmates and so called friends) here is a dictionary list of politically incorrect stereotypes of a selection of races and nationalities I have heared first hand or second hand.

Now before anyone leaves a comment saying that I am a bigot I have emphasized on my own blog that I am not racist and I hate racism. My wife is black (but Emirati) , I have friends who are Indian and I even once shared a bed with a Lebanese man (not in a gay way, just for sleeping; but that last revelation is for all you people who believe I am a homophobe and a levantphobe)

Arabs: Terrorists; Racist; Fanatics, Bisexual
Americans: Arrogant, Loud, Obnoxious, Ignorant
Algerians: Poor, Thieves
Australians:* See South Africans
Bahrainis: Boring.
Blacks: Poor, Lazy, Pimps, Hoes, Drug Dealers
Emiraties: Rich, Arrogant, Lazy, Stupid, Racist, Superiority Complex
English: Arrogant, Don’t wash, Hooligans, Gay
Egyptians: Hygiene problems, loud, obnoxious, Corrupt.
French: Gay, Smelly
German: Humorless
Indians: Stupid, Poor, smelly, taxi drivers
Iraqis: Crazy, Mad, Crazy
Italians: Wannabe white, Gangsters and spaghetti eaters.
Jordanians: Poor
Kuwaitis: Rich, Cowards, Westernized, Gay (98%).
Latinos: *See Black
Lebanese: Dont get me started, too many to mention...
Nigerians: *See Egyptians, plus ugly
New Zealanders: Wannabe Australians
Omanis: Poor, witches.
Russian: Hoes, Emotionless
Filipinos: Hoes, Pay for gay, Hoes
Pakistanis: *See Indians
Palestinians: Poor, Terrorists, Self righteous
Saudis: Racist, Rich, Extremist, perverted, Racist
Sudanese: Poor, Lazy
South Africans: *See Australians
Yemenis: *See Sudanese, Omanis, Egyptians, Jordanians, Iraqis, French, Algerians and Arabs.

Quote of the Month

2006-06-07T06:38:00.000-07:00

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is....

....and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."

sorry, to busy to post anything else :-(

Women: Driving Me Crazy

2006-06-02T22:13:00.000-07:00

This is an official rant against women everywhere where-ever they may be.

I think the Saudies may have got one thing right out of the hundreds that they have gotten wrong, because allowing women to drive is stupid. No, there is no religious restrictions on women driving and they shouldnt be, but there should be social ones.

I was in Kuwait over the weekend and I am still shaking from my close encounter with the lady in the ugly Porsche Cayenne and my Nissan *still waiting for my company to provide me with a real car* Maxima.

Now I know what it feels like to be a poor person on the road.

Bored is dangerous.

2006-05-29T22:57:00.000-07:00

Here in KSA, there is a saying "Bored is dangerous"

Really there isnt a saying like this, but there should be. To many silly things are done by people here for no sane reason except for being bored. For example read this story:

A number of Saudi Arabians have questioned a decision by the Ministry of Islamic Affairs to take action against an imam who delivered his Friday sermon using his laptop, reported Arab News. The imam brought his laptop to the mosque in Sarat Abidah in Asir province, much to the consternation of the congregation.

-ameinfo

Ok I am confused, which is nothing new because I am usually confused about most things in this life, but this story doubly confuses me. Is the Ministry of Islamic Affiairs just bored or something? Are the pen pushers have now become in this government department become so tired with playing Solitair or Freecell on their PC's at work that they have decided to pick on this Imam for bringing his laptop to Juma3h prayers?

While the Christian church deals with real issues such as gay clergy and sex abuse etc, our Ulemah are debating whether it is haram to bring a laptop to the masjid.
This story is like one of those tales you hear, about some explorer going to some remote place and lighting a lighter and then being accused of being a witch because he made a flame majically appear out of nowhere instead of using two sticks to rub together.

To the religious 'egg heads' I have a message:

Wake Up people... we have more serious issues to be dealing with. Stop critizing people for not growing a beared long enough or for not wearing the kandoora short enough or wether or not they are praying in the Masjid or in their house. Deal with the real issues! Educate people on whats in the Heart of Islam(the true Spirit of Islam) not just the outwardly things on the face. Please your "Holyier than Thou" attitude just shows you up on how uneducated and illiterate you really are.

Celebrity

2006-05-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

Supermodel Naomi Campbell will reportedly celebrate her 36th birthday at the Burj Al Arab Hotel next week with an incredible three-day party.
-Gulf News

Why do we still take gleeful pride whenever a major western celebrity comes to Dubai, even if they are of the camp National Enquirer excrement smeared tabloid toilet paper variety?

Yes that’s too you Ms Naomi (cant walk down a runway without falling over even if it was to save your live because you are so fuel up on meth, heroine and weed to see straight) Campbell. I'll be sure to travel back to Dubai quickly just too warmly welcome your arrival… before I throw an unexpected haute couture fit on your skinny little butt and knock you around with my wife's expensive Italian gear right there in front Airport Security…just so you can feel at home.

But the story gets worse…

Footballer David Beckham and his Spice Girl wife Victoria, as well as supermodels Eva Herzigova and Linda Evangelista, are set to be at the party

Waaw. It looks like Dubai will be getting five queens for the price of one this summer! And we are getting the one's of the most trashiest kind, the ones that can represent the dubai expat community to the 'T'..: Classless, trashy, nouveua rich type that have no style whatsoever. I am sure after wasting how many millions to stay at the Burj they will proberly waste a few more with a big villa in one of the new Emaar developments that is based on a theme or something.

Yes Mr Omar Ayesh from Tameer or Mr Mohamed Ali Alabbar from Emaar, here is a new themed idea for a city. Dubai Model City. It can be made out of real plastic and we can put all the Super Models and fake assed celebrities who come to Dubai there, because it is 'the next cool and happening destination' in this place. We can have it built in time for next summer, have its occupancy filled quickly (because everyone is dying to come to Dubai to be cool)…. and then burn the place down, House of Wax style…so yeah we can throw Paris Hilton in there too.

Officials at hotel owner Jumeirah have refused to confirm if the hotel has been booked for the £1 million (Dh6.9 million) once-in-a-lifetime get-together.

Please let this be true Jumeirah… so we can burn the Hotel down once they are staying there. Wait! Scratch that idea… the NSA could be monitoring this blog for illegal terror activity and being the super intelligent guys they are, may take this post seriously, so I was only kidding guys…Instead lets just quarantine the place once all those celebrities are in there, so they can't leave, ever. Then the Burj Al Arab can get a new lease of life as the literal Star Attraction of Dubai. People can come here just to take pictures of the new celebrity prison.

Naomi's boyfriend of eight months, Badr Jafar, is said to be hosting the party, which begins on Sunday with the theme "All White".

Is'nt that like a gay thing? Wait! Don’t want to be accused of being homophobic again.

The fun continues on Monday, which is Naomi's birthday, when a "Hip Hop" day is planned, while the party rounds off on Tuesday with a day dedicated to Brazilian Samba.

Wait a second Gulf News… All this information after Bill Walshe, chief marketing officer for Jumeirah said "We never make any comment on any aspect of our guests' stay.
"The privacy of our guests is of the utmost importance and we never say whether we are having a particular guest to stay."

But yet we have the day of the party and the theme of the party and the guest list of the party and even the color of the clothes the guest are meant to be dressed in. How did you get this information?

Please tell me you made this up or that its just a marketing ploy to get Burj Al Arab back into the news because the international media are beginning to forget their existence.

Opps wait a second that name, Badr Jafar??? Is that an Arabic name I smell, ??? How did I miss that? Oh now the plot thickens…Yet perhaps its another too rich too dumb Gulf National trying to make a name for himself here. He probably put out a press release (Nomaadic I hope you didn’t write this) just to get some fame. Well Whatever GCC country spewed you out Mr Jafar I hope they are punished severely by Allah All Mighty.

*shuts eyes tightly and prays he is not Emirati*

I Propose: Vocational Education

2006-05-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

One thing that I notice is common across the GCC is the substandard level of education. Ok, so the rumor might be true that perhaps 20-30% of all of Dubai's taxi drivers (just a random made up statistic) may have a degree in Law or in Accounting, but the only way they can make money quickly is to come to the UAE so they can feed their family back home…
And it might be true that that Filipino hair dresser might be skilled in C++ and speak about 50 other different computing languages but still all he does is cut hair on the weekdays and blow ****s on the weekend just to get money and a little bit of extra wasta, so it makes me want to know what is the point of higher education and why does it become irrelevant in the Gulf?

Everyone knows the saying 'a mind is a terrible thing to waste' but so is 'time' and it is clear that a normal bachelor degree doesn’t benefit a person except that he has to have extra bills to pay and less free time to have. No? And what is the point of studying, getting highly educated and then coming to the UAE just to work in shitty low wage job. Ya3ny AED 1000 dihrams a month doing data entry despite being trained to run an entire human resources department is embarrassing.

Plus on another point, there is no point to these degrees if you have no wisdom on how to use it, so as a result we have some people *Coughs 'Locals'* who are too dumb too stupid who earn double some asian expats do but are only half as educated. I think the education system is very lacking and you can feel how bad it is when you deal with people on a professional level everyday. It doesn’t matter if they are expats or locals it seems that knowledge is nothing without wisdom.

I propose that unless you are going to take your education to the next level (like yours truly) and get a Masters or Phd and make some real benefit then don’t do a degree…just get some vocational training because a) that degree isn’t helping you in your current career and b) vocational training will actually make you better at your job. No?

Example: Customer services in the government sector work are poor. Vocational education is needed here. Ya3ny whether it is here in Saudi or in the UAE you should be trained to know that when the phone rings you pick it up. Yes I know I know… it is a radical idea to actually answer phones instead of letting them ring and ring while you file your nails or fix your hyjab for the 100th time or just talk to your girlfriends on the Messenger or mobile phone; but you are getting paid for the 3 hours that you are at work. Plus, when you answer it should be 'saba' or 'misa'khair' or 'salam'u'laikum' not 'Aaaaaaa?' Like we interrupted you from something more important like your gossiping. So damn unprofessional.

But it's not just the Locals. It’s the expats aswell. Ok I know you have a First Class IT degree from Bombay University but does it makes sense when you are packing my bags in Spinnys to give me 50 different bags for each individual item??? Have you ever heard about saving the environment?? Two big bags can be enough…not one bag for drinks, one bag for tined food, one bag for chips and chocolates, one bag for vegetables, one bag for everything else etc etc Khalas. Vocational education for how to pack bags is necessary because I cannot count the amount of times I have stopped the bag packer from doing his job and done it myself because his way of doing it was taking too long. Besides the last thing I need when I got home is another 50 plastic bags from Spinneys to add to my collection of 3 thousand bright yellow bags we already have stored in the cupboard.

Emiratisation will continue to be a joke if some basic logical concepts in good training are not applied. Let us stop the buying of degrees and the importing of so many expats and start training our nationals in skills they really need, whether that be in top government positions or 'low' shop service skills.

The Missionary Position.

2006-05-06T06:14:00.000-07:00

They are here. I have been telling people for years but no one would listen. It was like 'oh Jaseem you are exaggerating, can't you ever be serious?'
Or
'oh Jaseem, they can never do any real damage here, leave them alone.'
Or
'Look at their numbers and look our numbers, we are surely winning. No?'

Fine. Well my last friend is correct and yes we are winning, BUT that is not the issue here. The fact is that there is a secret war going on in the Middle East that not much people know about and I am sure secret casualties are being taken without anyone noticing. What am I speaking about? Missionaries.

This is a cross post with Secret Arabian I, where nomadic wrote about the 10/40 Window and their activities here in our part of the world. Him, Emirati and even Gulf News all beat me to this post that I was planning to write since a long time ago .. but ok, it doesn’t matter, this is now going to be an old school Local Hero rant.

I see you all, you damn diggly do Flanders type characters driving around Dubai with your fish symbol on your bumpers and your crucifixes hanging on your dash-boards. I have no problem with Christians, I used to work with a few back in Dubai… and I even encourage them to go to their Friday morning church thing because I am open minded like that.

I don’t have a problem with you, and you can have your churches and synaqouges because despite what you see in South East Asia, it is haram to decapitate people simply because they are Christians and burn their churches down. Back in the days of our Prophet (sws) he protected the Churches and the temples because they were part of our faith and today we should do the same and condemn those who do the same to day…

But when it comes to trying to take people away from our religion, then we are talking about a different subject.

Unlike Muslims who openly talk about Islam and inform non Muslims about our religion, Christians have to do it a subversive manner. Fine I get it. The Muslim world is not the safest place for Christians to openly talk about their religion…so what is you afraid of? Death? If that’s the case then you are hypocrites and your faith and conviction is nothing but words on your tongue.

So what are the means of taking someone out of their religion? How bout lies, propaganda divisiveness and more lies.

Let's get out the 10/40 map and look at how they operate.

Mis-direction , food and aggressive friendship:

First let's start of in LH favorite vacation spot. The Magrib and lets see what the missionaries are doing there. Poverty is a big problem all over Morocco, so what do you do…in the left hand you have some food, clothes and toys and in the right hand you have a bible.

Hey look at me…starving Moroccan dude. I have a choice of converting out of the religion and filling my stomach or starving to death and perhaps seeing my maker as someone who held strong to their believes.

Starving Moroccan Dude: Err Mr Evangelist Man…I think I'll choose door number 1. Food, clothes etc.. What's the pay of?.

Mr. Evangelist Man: Here is a bible translated into Arabic, all you have to is renounce your faith and I can become your best friend who might even throw in an American passport for you in the end.

Starving Moroccan Dude: *Thinks twice, and remembers that life is just temporary, patience is a virtue and circumstances can even change* : You can keep the bible, but I'll take the food:

Mr. Evangelist Man: Thinks to himself. Hmm plan A isn’t working…switch to plan B, divide and conquer.

Scene switches to Algeria:

Mr. Evangelist Man: You may look like an Arab. Talk like an Arab, and I'll say it darn it, even smell like an Arab, but you are not an Arab my brother. You are a Berber, subjugated, persecuted and denied.

Ignorant Algerian Dude: Yes I am oppressed.

Mr Evangelist Man: We can bring you what you need, just take this bible from us and learn how and remember that I am your best friend…

Ignorant Algerian Dude thinks… scene fades to black, while it gets repeated in Lebanon, Syria, Egypt and Sudan (wherever there is a big enough minority to a Muslim Arab majority)

Another approach: Look at my pamphlets that explain your religion.. Filled with half truths and lies. But hey! You don’t know religion anyway. And probably half the stuff you do is wrong anyway! So what do you have to loose?

King Abdullah meets with Bigger Richer Mr. Evangelist Guy. Morris Cerullo. King Abdulla sees the meeting as an opportunity to bridge the world between Christianity and Islam and create better understanding... Mr. Cerullo sees it as an opportunity to spin the meeting as Evangelical work making inroads to the heart of the Middle East with the potential off converting one of its leaders. Today he is photographed shaking hands with the Royalty, but yesterday he was talking about how the Prophet Mohamed (sws) was a violent monster, and how he (sws) his followers mercilessly killed 'Infidels' (popular American term for describing a Muslim, describing a Christian) and then day after of the photo-op he is talking about how the spirit is going to transform the middle east and people will convert from Islam…(see here is a picture I took with Prince Abdulla to prove its happening) Fcukin hypocrite.

Now back in the Gulf, what do we have. Churches springing up, in Bahrain, Dubai, Sharjah… but that’s ok. The guys need to pray somewhere…right? But is it just praying that they are doing…

Someone needs to keep an eye out on the activity going on here. Apostasy cannot be tolerated, especially by those who lie and cheat their way into other people's lives hearts and souls with semi-psychological bullshit designed to take people away from their faith.

Its like tag team effort. Take away societies morality (Islam) slowly over time…and replace it with your own morality. Unfortunately people have become to ignorant of their own faith and understanding of it…that’s whey he have terrorists' coming up on one side, and people so stupid and ignorant of their own faith that they feel conflicted on whether terrorism is right or wrong.

Poverty and ignorance of people of their own faith is a rife breeding ground for evangelists…cue the hot chick and his leaflet.

Taking Responsibility

2006-05-04T05:50:00.000-07:00

The French national of Moroccan origin got life today, and for that I say 'good'. The wannabe terrorist claims that he was fighting for Allah and today I saw his mother saying that she supports her son for standing by what he believes in. Selective editing of the news courtesy of EuroNews just to make her look deranged? I don’t know.

But the comments that were made were that of a stupid woman. Aicha El-Wafi, your son claims that he was training to fly a 747 aircraft into the White House and wished that more Americans were killed during the 911 attacks. For that I say there is loyalty that can be respected and then there is stupidity. You are stupid.If any of my brothers committed a serious crime that resulted in someone getting hurt or killed, even if was by accident, I would stand up and let the justice system take care of them. This is an example of real love. And even if I became too weak to hand them over to the police I still wouldn’t condone their actions by saying I support them only because they were my brothers (even in the matter of principles).But there is a bigger issue of responsibility here.

That French guy of Moroccan origin committed an act that did not come out of a vacuum and although responsibility lays with him for attempting to commit murder we have to question if any one nation should also take responsibility, after all this is the American model for retribution : Afghanistan got bombed into nothingness because the Taliban (who used to be fcuk buddies of America back in the days when Communists were still the international villains) wanted to stick to their principles and protect Bin Laden.While everyday some American somewhere talks about 15 out of the 19 hijackers had held Saudi passports, so obviously this makes Saudi Arabia to blame for the attacks and of course most recently the controversy concerning the US Ports deal, where American opponents state that two of the 911 terrorists were Emirati so that means handing over their ports to us would be the equivalent of handing over their ports to terrorists.

Where am I going with this? Oh yes that’s it…collective responsibility does not benefit anyone in times of international crisis but individual responsibility does. KSA looks bad because several of their national's committed a nasty act, but does that mean the Saudis should be demonized? No and neither should the UAE. If we take this approach to justice then that 'French national of Moroccan origin' should have his nation countries dealt with a similar manner. Bomb the Eiffel tower and embargo Morocco why don’t you?

Maybe Saudi Arabia is to blame for the 911 attacks. Not because of the extremist interpretation of Islam that is perhaps originating from some of your schools but because you are to blame that a certain segment of your population are so alienated from society that the only way they feel that they can get back at what they think is the bad guy is (Israel and US) is through acts of terrorism. I don’t have the answer and it is not for me to give my opinion, I just want to say that responsibility should be taken for our own actions and not scapegoats being made.
_____________________________________________________________

Oh Mr Moussaoui, your American defendants saved your ass from the Death penalty (which I don’t think you deserved anyway) but remember there is judgment day and that insanity argument just wont cut it with the ultimate Judge who is going to be doing the judging.What needs to be done on our side as Arabs is to question why have we so failed in our understanding of Islam, that a small group of extremists (even if it was just one person) can believe that this is the correct way for fighting Jihad. Responsibility not only lies with us as a community but also with our teachers, and most importantly with ourselves.

toot

2006-05-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

A friend in the real world asked me why my blog was not on 'toot'.

I punched him the nose for asking such a stupid question.

I Propose: Shoes.

2006-04-30T03:42:00.000-07:00

Ok this is the second in my I Propose series...and I think my blog is now beginning to smell like Balushi and Dengrous Boys Blog as its about women again. So yes the UAE education system is a failure... and Emirati men are all one track minded.

Women and shoes.

Women I don’t understand you. Me and my wife have a new villa and every room in the villa serves a purpose. It has four bedrooms. A master bedroom for me and the misses. Two smaller rooms, one for my daughters and one for quests, and a maid room and wardrobe room; ya3ny all the normal things. But the problems start with what to do with one extra room we now have.

This room is a decent sized room that I said will be good for a gym. Ya3ny I stopped going to gym since December when I became very busy. What makes my problem worse is that now where I am living there is no place to workout and I am beginning to grow a little hairy stomach… so I need a gym, at least in our villa.

So I proposed something with the wife…

Q. Can we have gym?

A. Nooooo.

Q. Why?

A. We need shoe closet.

Q. Shoes?

But I cant argue with this. Why? My wife has shoes. Too, too many shoes with no where to put them and I think habiby may have some compulsive disorder coz every time when we was living in Dubai and she went out with the maid for some groceries , they would both come back with at least three pairs of shoes…each! So what is with women and shoes????

Women do you know men do not even notice your shoes? Secondly local women and those who wear Abaya do you realize that not even other women can notice your shoes when you are out. What a waste of money and although I curbed my maids habit of buying too many shoes by cutting her wage a bit, what can I do about my wife????

Listen I have sandals, a lot of them and I admit I used to hang out in Mandoos like it was my second home not to long ago and waste a whole load of money and stuff that I never even wore or gave away after one wear,. but at least with these clothings everyone else can see them…and so that Dh600 piece of footwear hasn’t gone to waste

But not with the ladies shoes. Really something needs to be done about women and this dangerous obsession you all have. Its bad enough that it takes 5 hours to find one pair of shoes you like but then you have to have about 500 pairs of them in different colors and shapes is just a haram waste of time and money.

Listen I will give you females a reality check. Men and women notice men’s sandals … but only women notice other womens shoes, and so the amount of time and money that you spend is not even worth it. And unless you people (females) can explain why shoes are so important…I propose for the women of the G.C.C free targeted neuro-therapy to help rid you and your sensitive little brains of this expensive bi-polar disorder.

I Propose: Videe’hoes

2006-04-27T03:31:00.000-07:00

After reading the responces in the previous post and thinking very deeply about what I should rant about next, I consulted with my wife and then her father, then went to the local imam at my masjid, and even stop the police driving by. So I have decided that every now and then I will write some propositions, that can help make the world a better place ;-p These are the I Propose Selection :-

Because I take this blogging thing seriously I had to be sure about what to write next and then the answer came to me in a vision (ya3ny it wasn’t a vision but actually a video). After absolutely enjoying a Diana (someone make her local quick) Hadad video on the telly, (not the new polished one with Cheb Khaled but one of her ‘awkwardly funny’ khaleeji videos, because we all know that it is written in music video law that all traditional khaleeji video clibs must be awkwardly funny) another khaleeji video came on that had some plump women dancing together at a restaurant while some greasy fat guy in a red shirt made a fool of himself.

What was bad was that these women were gigging around so much that I thought their breasts were going to fly out their dresses! But before this post begins to sound like one of those misogynistic ‘Freedom of Speech’ blogs you can find floating around the UAE bloggasphere written by some of the other locals, I have to say that I am only talking about the booty in these video because I am concerned.

Khaleeji music video’s used to be nice wholesome experiences filmed on someones expensive camcorder and only featuring a group of guys lined in a row waving their rifles or canes. Now they are beginning to look like 2Live Crew videos and before you know and if nothing is done about it then today it will be women swinging their hair back and forth and tomorrow they will be kissing each other and bouncing their bootay in some thongs!

Now don’t read this blog and say ‘Oh Jassim you have lost the plot. Common! Khaleeji videos with the thongs? It will never happen!

Ya3ny. I have counted at least 5 videos where the tittys were barely concealed in the first place. Now they are daring to go that one step further with a little too much jigging around with unsupported breasts. Where would it all end??

I propose we go back to a value system that states that being an attractive woman does'nt mean you have to be professional at shaking your booty and that respect and modesty should be something we hold on to.

I also propose free bras..to support these women who feel they have nothing else going on in their lives accept to swing their hair and shake their ass.

Bloggers Block: What to write?

2006-04-23T05:45:00.000-07:00

After my big return I cant think of what to write. I do have a couple of major major posts in a draft form, and it is part of a big cross post that will happen with Secret Arabian 1 and perhaps Sleepless In Muscat...but those details and post will come later. hehehe

So this week what do I write?

I can perhaps write poetry coz everyone else is writing poetry...like this is is freaking poets corner or whatever its called, but I dont want to.

So I will open the floor to the people who come to this blog. I am going to do a major diss (i want it to be more funny than serious) but i dont know what to rant about. So pls leave a comment and we shall see what the next post will be about.

"Backseat of my jeep: Lets swing an episode"

2006-04-18T01:18:00.000-07:00

100% Random Ramblings

Time to switch gears and make some random ramblings about what happens in my 4X4… I like music too much and the best time to unwind is when I am riding in my ride with the system on full, so this post is dedicated to my man, Hussein Al Jasmi (left). This is not a diss, or a rant just a kind of a friendly warning. Something lighthearted...

Everyone with taste and style likes this man and everyone without taste and style also likes this man because he deserve to be liked. Ask any Emirati about Mr Jasmi (or even any khaleeji) and they will give you the thumbs up about this man.

I love this guy because Mr Jasmi is one of the UAE’s brightest stars. His big chubby self is always smiling and his songs know how to make you feel good, especially when you think it is time to wake up the neighbours with some hib-hob khaleeji songs when you are driving through some remote Ajman suburb at 1:28 am in the morning, in a drop top convertible...with the volume up to 10 ;-).

But Mr Jasmi I am asking you…

No…

I am begging you please, please, please loose some weight now. Everytime I watch one of your video clips I get scared that you are going to drop dead in the middle of it from a heart attack. Dude! You Are To Fat! Walah its not healthy and I think you are symbol of a wider obesity problem we have in Dubai and the rest of the GCC. This is a bad situation and also embarrising. Ya3ny its almost embarrising as the rising levels of homosexuality being reported across every expat’s favorite Emirate Dubai. Infact you can even say it is even more embarrising because there are people in other parts of the Muslim world who are dying from hunger. Infact while I am on this subject of the fatness of people in any society, i am thinking that this is perhaps a symptom of something greater and when I think about this quote below ...I think about Dubai:

The goal of every culture is to decay through over-civilization; the factors of decadence,--luxury, skepticism, weariness and superstition,--are constant. The civilization of one epoch becomes the manure of the next.

Anyway I have gone way way of my subject and so I will get back to Mr. Jasmi. If I was still doing my diss list you would have been at number # 11 with a diss called Fat People: You Take Up To Much Oxygen, just to be cruel.

But that would not be fair on you Mr Jasmi, because when you do your RnB Khaleeji thing you make the rest of us khaleeji wannabi-thug types look cool in our tinted out SUV’s and matching kandooras. No?

So habibi, lose some weight. Please…about 550lbs should do it and keep on doing what you do best.

Apart from Mr. Jasmi, who else keeps the neighbors up when I am driving through their neighbourhood at night? Well every month when I get afflicted with bloggers block, instead of writing poetry and silly limericks like Secret Dubai I shall publish my Jeep Play List. It’s a bit like Secret Arabian Journal I’s Blogging Around The Gulf…but actually interesting ;-)

Local Hero’s thugged out playlist for April:

1) Hussain Al Jasmi : Basy
2) Abdul Kareem – Anta Habibi
3) Sahih Sa’ad: Taj Al Galal
4) Toi – Everytime
5) J Lo and Fabulous- Get Right {I’m sorry but it has nice beat even though she’s a b!tch;-( }
6) Hind: Her whole new album but especially this.

Delete the songs after listening to them.
Ok? ok.

Embarrassing

2006-04-11T06:27:00.000-07:00

Time to push the envelope, a little.

One good thing about the internet is that it helps me explore the world around me more. I like to learn about the new cultures and peoples with little problem in getting the information. Ya3ny I might like to travel, but the internet also helps me find out about the places I might not get the chance to visit and cultures I don’t really want to experience in person anyway. The internet also teaches things about my own culture that I didn’t know about before, and even if that information that is a little wrong about my culture I admit that there is no smoke without the fire and some truth maybe there. But the question is how much truth and what am I even referring to anyway?

Well, I read about a very, very, very embarrassing phenomina on that slightly embarrassing blog by Balushi (that for some reason Nomaadic and Ali are linking to from their page) about the degenerates living in that ghetto hell called Satwa. I feel sick just typing this on my keyboard but apparently young UAE National men are being employed as ‘bottom feeders’ for male European expats. I try to be open minded about the gays because I am open-minded about most things in this life and even though I like to joke around with these rants, this rant is not going to be one of them. I touched on this subject before here and I will talk about it briefly again now, because Arabs don’t like to talk about taboo things like ‘sexuality’ nearly enough as we should do.

I see when I read non Arab’s appraisals about Arab men, it usually follows the ideas of their own personal sexual fantasies or fears. These misunderstandings that are made about us are usually made out of ignorance. Stories about the sexual ferocity of our species and how we like to do each others butts only arise from the pittyful situation of prison sex syndrome (which I think is an exaggerated phenomina anyway), also from the fact that we wear Dishdashas not trousers (this is feminine in their eyes), and also from the fact that we are tactile with each other (rubbing noses when we meet and holding hands when walk). For European origin people this could be unnerving or arousing coz it suddenly seems like we are all bi-sexual. But one thing they should remember whether their ideas about us are true or not, we are also Muslims and we have a strict code of rules regarding relationships sexual and otherwise and a lot of us still believe and act to these rules.

So this takes me back to the behavior of the residence of Satwa. Talk about living up to a disgusting sterotype. Right? First a question for the locals and any other Arab anywhere else in this country who does this thing: Why do it? The UAE isn’t Saudi Arabia. If you need something tight to poke then there are plenty of females around who will be willing to be open for you. (And to the respectable ladies reading this blog, sorry to be crude, I am not trying to offend… and trust me, you will be thanking me later when your best friend’s husband’s ex male lover comes knocking at their door 5 years after they got married missing his Local sugar daddy… and that it isn’t YOUR husband he is looking for).

So here is my message to Arab men and their western male 'admirers':

Unmarried brothers, I recommend that you wait. Wait and stay a virgin like yours truly until the wedding night. I have no shame of admitting to the world that I didn’t endulge in any sexual activities before I married: I never screw around with expat tourist girls, Filipina workers or Moroccan and Russian prostitutes NOR no same sex actions as an outlet when I was younger not even the ‘mm’. Abstinence is a good thing and wait till you get married to release your seeds and discover the joy of exploring your sexuality with your wife and growing together as a family in that relationship.

Now the second part is for the gay expats who come to the UAE to take advantage of a bad situation. I am not targeting all gays, just those who are here looking for str8 Arab studs that are not four legged: Get the fcuk back to the UK or US or whatever Arian backwater you come from. And please, please don’t misunderstand me in these words. I am not being my usual tongue-in-cheek self like I normally am on this blog. I am being 101% serious so there is no need to try read between the lines on this paragraph. I am asking you to leave, all of you. Just disappear you bunch of limp wristed Lawrence of Arabia wannabies. If you so need the Arab meat that you crave for, I suggest you go back to Morocco and continue corrupting the men there like you did back in the 70’s and 80’s, when you turned that stunning place into a wholesale sex destination like the Philippians and Thailand of today. Go there and do it, but don’t risk doing it here, not in my beautiful country because you will have to pray that none of your type come across any of my type because the scene will finish in blood, Walahi. And I guarantee that you and we will have a gay *bashing* ol’time.

Warning fin

Ketchup Episode II: The Empire of Indians Strikes Back

2006-04-07T21:08:00.000-07:00

Ok. Emirati with his Godfather fixation (is fixation another word for fetish?) was happy with this one. I caught his little post… ‘I guess Zogby was right’ with reference to this post on ‘Insert Witty Blog Title Here’ and the unreported strikes in Dubai. Today I will eat a humble pie and ask when is the UAE going to learn to treat these Indians laborers with a little more dignity? We should raise the minimum wage for them or just deport them back coz there is too much of them here anyway. We cannot continue to treat other human beings as some kind of disposable work force because they are not the same race as us, haram.

It is time we started to build our country in the right way. So instead of allowing apparently str8 Iraninan and East African Emiraties to act as arse fillers for rich limp wristed westerners living in Satwa just to get some extra bling (see next post), how about employing more of them into the service and labour industries that the Indians are working in now?

What Nomaadic failed to mention on his Getting Cross Cultural expose on Balushi and E African Emiraties is that a lot of them are still imported in from their mother countries to this very day and are still being nationalized, so this is NOT some old historical phenomina. Many of these latter imports cant even speak Arabic, (which I don’t have a problem with since their roots are from my country anyway), but there are enough of them back in their birth countries who are too broke too poor and can fill the role Indians play today here. They will be happy to come to Dubai and work in the day as a toilet cleaner and at night drive around in a brand new 2006 Nissan Sunny or Toyota Corolla with 99.9% blacked out windows and loud booming system…Ya3ny this isn’t a bad thing for them because when they are Khaleejised into Emiraties they will of course be treated and payed better than back in their birth countries when they are getting a minimum wage of AED 3000 for doing (or cleaning) jack shit. True?

By the way we shouldn’t even have poor Emiraties because this wasn’t our father’s vision for this country. Sheikh Zayed wanted to lift everyone up. I go to Kuwait and see that they are all rich, with their strange dish-dashas and same looks (all Q8ts have the same face, ever noticed that?) but back in the UAE which has a better infrastructure and more solid diversified economy, I still have poor Local friends who live in squalid conditions (by my standards) and I am now running out of excuses to tell them why I wont stay the night at their places.

So some suggestions:

A) We need more locals in the UAE or else we will become extinct soon, so yeah import more Iranians (shi’te or sunni I don’t care) nationalize those with roots here and also help the Balushi cause by nationalizing them aswell. Also bring in more East Africans who are of Arab origins and nationalize them (but keep the gangsta wannabe’s out).
B) Nationalize some others aswell: 1) Those who marry Local women (common you know and I know it happens more than is admitted). As long as they are Muslim this should be the most important thing. Whether they are Arab or not and if they should be nationalized should be judged on a case by case basis. 2) Westerners who perhaps convert and feel like they are living in limbo and don’t belong to any culture, make them legible aswell but with certain rules and conditions.
C) Other Arabs who have been living here for a long time and who are more Emirati than most Emiraties but are originally national to some seriously fcuked up regimes (like a couple of Levantine and North African nations I can think of) should be nationalized.

Yes we need some changes. Diversify the gene pool, increase the population, end the inbreeding and no longer be the minority in our own country.

Ketchup

2006-04-05T21:50:00.000-07:00

This is part1 of a brief roundup on all the subjects I would of talked about in the past 4 months I was away. Call it ketchup, ya3ny catch-up ;-) Get it?... OK whatever… anyway….

Denmark

I am going to offend a lot of people here, but I have to say that I like my Danish Cheese so fcuk anyone who tells me that I can’t eat it. I would also like to say Fcuk you Spinny’s and Choitrams with your little displays of ‘cultural sensitivity’. Fcuk you with your, ‘oh we don’t sell cheese from Denmark’.

Tell me why didn’t you sell Danish cheese? Was it because your board of directors were all so personally offended by the cartoons of the Prophet Mohamed (SWS) or was it because you were afraid that people will stop buying from you, period: ‘Cultural Sensitivity’ translated from English to Arabic = Fear of lose of Revenue. Really not impressed with these fcuking hypocrites with their cultural sensitivities because the last time I checked, they were still selling Pork at the back of their stores…

As for you Muslims boycotting Danish goods? Please GROW UP! Ya3ny America and Israel are a tag team that has done so much more damage than the Danes have ever done but you still want to boycott their cheese.

Why?

Coz they are an easy target that’s all. You want to impress me. Boycott friends, Macdonald’s Britney Spears and all the other stuff, you bunch of hypocrites! Don’t tell me about the insulting of Prophet Mohamed (sws) is the reason why it should done, coz episodes of the South Park and American television Evangelists are saying things far worse than what I have seen in those cartoons but yet I still see you drinking the Pepsi and eating the KFC.

One last thing directed at the Muslims. Would the Prophet Mohamed react the way you reacted with the burning down of embassies and the harming of innocent lives. This bullshit of collective guilt is alien to our religion. Its stupid to blame all Danes for the Cartoons as it stupid to blame all Muslims for the actions of Bin Laden.

Before I end on this matter I have to follow Nomaadic’s comment on the role of the media in all this. This wasn’t so much about a cultural event as it was a media event. Sparked by the media and then stoked by the media, and because people have become so illiterate and have little ability to think a full thought through coherently they automatically see opposition to the cartoons as an attack on the freedom of speech. Ya3ny what is the point of freedom of speech if you don’t know how to speak. Like one sheikh said… freedom of speech is all fair and lovely if you know how to use it, but screaming ‘fire’ in the middle of a crowded cinema is hardly a responsible application of freedom speech if all its going to do is cause a panic and get people hurt or even killed. Use it responsibly.

Syriana

Good film. But today I will spear the UAE bloggers from yet another UAE bloggers view of Syriana because so far the reviews I have read have all been crap; especially this one... Tell me. Are any of you Bloggers, with your education and ability to form a sentence capable of creating at least one original thought in your head? Ya3ny is the ability to make a coherent argument that is not based on what TV channel you use to get your news from possible for you people? Please a review of Syriana is a review of a movie for its merits, not another chance to slag of the liberal lefties or Arabs or anti Bushites.

My review is non partisan. What I saw when I watched Syriana was a complex film about how a CIA hit man screws up in Iran over a missile that should have been dealt with, how the US Government then distance themselves from him when an Iranian agent in Lebanon nearly blows his cover on an assignation attempt on a Khaleeji prince, and then finally how that missing missile at the beginning literally comes back and bites everyone on the ass in the end. What an excellent thriller. The acting was good. The directing was good. The story was good.

Whether you agree with the politics of the film or not you have to give credit where credit is due. The people who have a problem with the film probably couldn’t grasp the story the first time round as it requires a lot of thinking as not everything is spelt out for you in bright clear letters. It is this same category of people who couldn’t understand the 5 minute scene between the Architect and Neo at the end of the Matrix: Reloaded nor the script for Space Jam.

My only problem with Syriana is that Star Trek guy’s guthra. Who did they get to do it for him? Coz it look lopsided most of the time.

J Lo in Dubai

Jennifer Lopez is coming to Dubai and she’s a B!tch.

...Well, there’s nothing much else to say on that subject…except that Robbie Williams was in Dubai aswell and he’s gay. So I guess they should both feel right at home here.

RETURN.

2006-03-29T04:30:00.000-08:00

Cool name right? Walah it feels good to be back and blog. This post is just a to say i am back and the next post will be called 'ketchup' coz I will be blogging about all the things that has happened over the past 3 months when i was away.

So why was I away?

I graduated from MBA and got a good job helping ppl (bismilla mashalla)
My daughters getting bigger
Moving to somewhere on Eastern Province in KSA for a year, *gasp*..officially next week.
and I was bored with blogging.

Now I am back I was going to do an arabic blog version of secret arabian but i have three problems, my browser doesnt seem to support it and if i start writing in arabic , i will forget english for sure and finally most people here who like my blog arnt arab.

So how will I do this blog?

First. I dont know what my schedule will be like when blogging and I dont know if KSA has a proxy and monitor what I write. So this effects how much I will post. I think i will write and email to nomaadic and see how that works.

Secondly. This will be alot more serious than before. There will be rants and there will be disses but this time I will not censore myself. I will also talk seriously about serious issues and no one will be safe: People will be offended, fans will be lost and ya3ny even enemies maybe made... but at the end of the day, this is what entertains.

Finally I wont post again on A Secret Arabian Journal because I think three is a crowd and me and Nomaadic agreed that Ali is doing a good enough job. So I will be there just to leave comments but there maybe cross posts between the two blogs and even the three (including Sleepless in Muscat)

In short this secret journal will be the dark side of *Insert Witty Blog Title Here* and even the dark(er) side of A Secret Arabian Journal.

Sorry Satwa

2005-12-01T08:28:00.000-08:00

...

From Hell.

2005-11-28T21:52:00.000-08:00

Earthquakes and demons.

Welcome back me. There is a problem on Secret Arabian that means the public cannot access the site, so for the time being I will resume posting here. Don’t really have much to say today except that this perhaps can be called the ‘Week from Hell’. All those who said Allah’s judgment is coming down on Dubai for its decadent and slack ways via an earthquake and for all those others who say this place is Hell on earth here is the proof..here is their proof.

This week this scary picture appeared in Emirates Today. Ever wanted to know what those ‘Jumeriah Janes’ looked like behind those slightly tinted out SUVs that you see parket out side Spinnys? Here is a fiendish gathering of a group of them exclusively captured by Emirate-Alyoum…

Click on it and go to page 25. Its called Jumeriah Jane Hell.

And if this wernt bad enough we are going to have another mass gathering of 'Satwa-esque' wannabe gangstas, ‘ghetto fabulous’ rich kids and general foolishness because Busta and Missy are gonna be in town. Cue the Gulfs biggest collection of Fake Bling and Fake American accents all in one large Haskhal gathering.

Makes me wanna go out into the desert and climb under a rock for a week or just repeatedly hit myself in the head with one.

Diss Number 10 pt 2

2005-11-20T11:12:00.000-08:00

Diss Number # 10.

I was going to write something really deep and profound and thought provoking on the subject but cant be bothered anymore. Ya3ny what more do I need to say about racism except that it is ‘bad’ ? ... So Khalas! this blog fin :)

But I am not finished in the blogging world, but I just want to concentrate on Secret Arabian blog because I am too lazy to write on two blogs. So thanx all *eyes begin to swell with water* you have all been so kind to regularly leave comments even if you had to guessing what I was writing in my blog because my English was …I dunno lazy most of the time, I guess. Thank you Secret British babe in Dubai and the Lebanese Sherlock Holms character . To Keefieboy the only one out there in blogland who cared to link to my blog coz twisted couldn’t even bother too :p Also thank you Local Heroines: p.y.t (assuming you are a girl) love4peace , chevy, desertprincess and all the others including my pet troll and thank you to the Filipina in Geant who sprayed me with that foul perfume and inspired me to set up my own blog.

You can still leave comments here though, but no more new posts. BTW I was just kidding bout that eyes swelling with water thing coz I am just being silly and I’m not going anywhere. I will still post on A Secret Blog from Arabia so I’ll be around. Anyway I will let my daughter close this blog with some carefully chosen words. She’s only 2 ½ years old but she is going to be as strong and spunky as her papi:

cjsdvcs adbsk aksvdjvd kadsajv jasddddddddddddd sa akjdskb lkan kjda sab.

Ddsfcd jsk k jk hvjcx hkbm hbkhd s jhska dkn sa xamsvcd sdja xa mzhx sa
Sdaujbk dbasj csdfja s dhbkds mdsi hlan dcmn fgvnc bnvh kjs djks bwdhwshj jhs

Yeah. Ain’t that the truth?!

Diss Number 10 (part 1)

2005-11-16T00:28:00.000-08:00

Ok khalas. Its time to finish this blog. Everytime I try to end it , something in the real world gets in my way and I have to do something else. Here is a brief snap shot of my life in the real world: My wife be yak yak yaking about something I don’t know what, half the time. Boss at work be yak yak yaking in Indianese but that’s ok coz I don’t notice him much anyway and my neighbour is complaining about something as usual, but I stopped taking him serious after that time he got his foot stuck in our front gate after he was playing football with his nephew. ( which btw was a very surreal day).

Ibn Battuta Mall

Now back to blog world. How do I end *insert witty blog title here* with the final diss? I want to write about Ibn Buttcrack Mall ( expat pronouciation number #288) but its not fair on that mall coz I have already ranted about them once already. Besides, I am no real expert on that place , coz whenever I am in the Gardens to visit a certain car less ‘Bedouin’ friend of mine and he wants to buy something in Geant… I always wait outside in the car park. I hate that place. Its vulgar, overdone, excessive and a largely pointless place. I mean come on, every other mall on this planet has a KFC a Debanons and a Starbucks in it. So what is so special about this place? Talk about presenting the same stink shit in some brand new packaging over and over again, Dubai. I mean can you imagine Ibn Battuta on his travels of the ancient world stopping at Axiom to pick up the latest Nokia, before fighting hordes of angry cannibals Sinbad the Sailor style? Coz that what the mall wants us all to believe. The makers of this mall are trying to present to us some over glossed fake ass ‘Hollywood Disney’ version of the Middle East that has been designed for the largely Western expat population of the Gardens in mind. These people like many people who come here from the West have all come to Dubai looking for something exotically romantic, like a Sinbad movie, but are now feeling let down coz this Emirate looks more and more like Beverly Hills or Miami everyday that goes by.….

Local Media

So then I thought I would write about Gulf News. I hate that paper for the simple reason of those stupid polls they have. I mean what kind of dumb ass question is ARE WOMEN BETTER DRIVERS THAN MEN? The answer is so obvious I shall not even bother to continue on that paper or that issue. Besides 7Days is a lot worse, but no way near as bad as that sh!tty Khaleej Times, which should be renamed Sub Con Times coz there is nothing Khaleej about it…

BUT there is one media in this country which needs to be dissed more than any other and that is Channel 4fm. I listened to radio in the UK and even the most amateur sounding ones like LBC{!} (the London radio station, not the Lebanese TV station silly) and Choice FM sound more professional than what they present here for us. I mean how many times a day do we have to listen to the same 5 stink songs by the same stink 5 singers (Black Eyed Peas, Destiny’s Child, Britney, 50 Cent and Eminem) over and over. Then in between the songs we have to sit in more pain, coz we have to listen to the DJ regurgitate what he read in some American teen magazine about Brad Pitt or Catherine Zeta Jones for the umpteenth time, followed by stories about which celebrity is screwing who and who is divorcing who and who is back in rehab. But you know in reality really no one is listening to him. Why? Coz A we have heard it all before, and B this discussion is happening:

*Insert brief discussion by UAE Locals about Channel 4 Fm DJs accents*.

Cousin : Is this DJ American?
Me : No I think he is Australian
Cousin #2 :Walah? But isnt that an Irish accent?
Friend: But he sounds British (English)
Me: :So why does he talk about Canada a lot.?
Cousin: : Really I think he is perhaps American, ya3ny dont you notice all the listeners who call up all have American accents aswell?
Friend: :The difference between Canada and American accents are?
Cousin # 2 :I don’t know. They all sound the same to me.
Me: :So. About those people who call up… Those are American accents?

QUESTION: Why does this deep and meaningful debate take place?

ANSWER: I think all those DJs have to speak in some weird Mid Atlantic accent so they don’t offend or alienate any one western expat nationality living here, which is really dumb coz it just comes of sounding weird. Now all this philosophizing makes me have to conclude that Channel 4Fm has become an utterly pointless radio station to listen to. Why? If the music is crap and the DJs only talk crap and all the people who call up that station are full of crap, then what real reason do we have to listen to that station? Call 6001644 with the correct answer and a chance to win an exclusive Channel 4fm car sticker...so I can run you off the road if I see it attached to your back window or bumper.

Talking about bad music and bad voices, this morning I was thinking about ranting about Michael Jackson. That is one sick fuck who needs to swim his pedophilic ass back to Bahrain coz he is not wanted here. Dubai looses points everyday they let another second rate ‘B List celebrity’ into the country(which includes you Jacko coz your Thriller days aint ever coming back… ever) to buy an exclusive villa or penthouse here and then make the local media about how great it is afterwards. Both Locals who are 'aware' and I am sure even expats by now, don’t want any more trash let in and I personally don’t really care for the Beckhams or some other shitty overpaid under-educated footballer and his bitch moving into another brand new luxary expat compound here.
Dubai used to have class now it is turning into a rich expat hell; this is why I don’t have time for most of them (expats) either. And this leads me onto what the final entry on this blog is going to be about.

Diss # 10 Racism.

99.9% of my friends are locals..but I have a lot of friends (real friends, not just work mates) and the 0.1% who are not locals, are Levantine, British, British Indian/Paki, American and Afro American. That’s diversity for you and I like them a lot. They don’t spend their whole time complaining about ‘Dubai this’, ‘Local that’ , ‘Arab this’ , ‘Muslims that’, they just get on with life. Sometimes they complain but not all the time coz it is human nature for people to complain about at least one thing in life. Besides this emirate can be pretty screwed up on some things, *coughs ‘malls/hoes/driving’* but I have traveled a lot and I have seen no place and no people that is perfect, so for all you other expat whiners put up or shut up!

Anyway diversity is nice (anyone who knows my family can see the diverse range of females my brothers have picked for their wives (including yours truly) that come from both the Local and expat range of colors and creeds... So I cannot tolerate racism. BTW don’t come to me afterwards with 'oh but Jaseem you have already said bad things on this blog about westerners and Asians'. For that I shall say, there is a difference between being racist and being politically incorrect.

Being PC is boring and fake.

Deal with it.

Anyway I will continue and conclude this blog later. Its dragged on long enough and it is 12:35 am and a coffee shop somewhere is calling me for some serious chill-out time with some friends, a box of dominoes and a hookah pipe :)))

And for all you ignorants living in the Gardens shopping at Ibn Battuta Mall but still don’t know what the Mall is really about. Here is a link for you. NOTE: When you read it you will find no mention of Paris Gallery , Automatic Restaurant or Woolworths anywhere in the explanation and history of this great man.

James Zogby

2005-11-09T23:05:00.000-08:00

Some people just shouldnt say words.

Diss No #9

James Zogby.

James if by a little possibility you read blogs from this part of the world, the part of the world called the Gulf, which you have effectively shown you have no idea about, I hope you read my words and feel proud.

You are the 1st man to become the subject of an entire diss. Walah personal attacks are not my thing and I do not like to do this but your 'enlightened and informed' comments prove why some people should just have that part of the brain that make it possible to express an opinion, removed from their heads for their own good and for the good of humanity and all things right pure and proper in this world.

James your comparison between the Gulf State's Indian community and the Arab/African community in France is not only uninformed but it is also unprofessional. Even that guy from Emirates Economists had to be sent and correct you... and with all due respect to you Mr Chilton, i never even heard of you before I knew what blogging was. So if they then feel the need to draft you in(assuming it is you and not by some crazy coincidence another economist based in the UAE with the same name as yours) too come and correct Mr James (I have an international TV program and influencial family in the states) Zogby then what does it mean?

I dont know.

What I do know is that it gives the more paranoid and the more trigger hungry Locals like Emiriti here a reason for getting the water cannons greased up for some whole sale 'sub con' splashing circa 1960's America race riot style.

James dont feel like you are being victimised by some perhaps arrogant/illiterate khaleeji kid who cant even write english well, because making number #9 on my diss list is an achivement. Not only are you the first human on my blog to get a whole diss based around himself, but also you beat that airhead puppet of a muppet of a President, Dubya... and that slut ugly too much make up wearin- poor man's JLo -aka Maddona/Britney clone - Beyonce/Shakira wannabe, Nancy Ajram to this post.

Love ya babe.

sub diss vignette

2005-11-08T15:05:00.000-08:00

Smokers

Here is why smoking is stupid.

I went with my friend to visit a cousin I had not seen in a long time over the Eid Weekend. This what a typical conversation with him was like.

Me. How is Ahmed ?

Cousin. *cough* He is getting married next august *cough*

Me. Yes my aunt told me but ...

Cousin *cough cough khgahhhhhhhh (nasty hawking noise) then he spits*

Friend. Do you want water?

Cousin. Alhumdillah (no thanx)

Me. Yes my aunt was saying that he will get married but he is worried about

Cousin. *intertupted by more cough coughing*

(Awkward Silence).

Cousin. Fukken {famous brand} Lights!

Me. Ohooah! Very bad. Ah?

Cousin. Yeah I am finished. Common lets go to the shop, I need some more.

( Awkward Silence again)

Cousin. *coughs*

This guy stinks. Not in a bad way, just in a tobacco way. Which is a bad way maybe. He has an apartment on his own in Abu Dhabi away from the folks coz of his work (and his sanity) and I think his family is happy aswell coz he smokes too much and his apartment smells like a night club.

Tell me. Why do people in this country smoke so much? We need to have more non-smoking zones and less promotion of this drug. Coz it is a drug. Even the many Ulemah (religious egg heads) say that smoking is no longer makrou (a dodgy thing to do) but it is straight up haram (a very bad thing to do). It is addictive (Like alchohol) and it can kill you.

There is an advert on tv in uk made by a man who died of cancer shortly before his daughters 18th birthday or something like that, coz he was to stupid with the smoking everyday.(sorry for being so disrespectful to the dead, but i am sure he will say the same thing about himself)

Tell me. If you smoke, why do you do it? Does it make you look cool? Everyone in Dubai is trying to be cool even if it kills them.

Ya3ny there are hardly any locals in UAE as there is.. and if most of us have mobile phones stuck to our head in one hand (where's ur damn blue tooth anyway) and cigarrets in the other 24 hrs a day, then the war against cancer will be see more unecessary casualties.

Smokers. You dont look cool when you smoke, you just look pathetic and you stink. You belong in the category of people in diss number 3 and 8.

Non smokers! The next time you see a smoker sitting in a restaurant stinking up the place. Slap them. 'Slap them ya Local Hero?'

Yes Slap them. Slap them hard and then take that cigarette and put it out on their foreheads so whenever they look in the mirror from that point on, their scarred face will remind them it is not cool anymore to smoke. Its just dumb.

Dirty

2005-10-31T05:31:00.000-08:00

Diss Number # 8

Dirty people. A continuation on the people in diss number #3.

But today I am not simply talking about any kind of dirty people. Ya3ny I could talk about people who only bath ‘every other day’ in a climate that demands that you bath every other hour (once I overheard this American guy talking with some girls at the other table in a restaurant on how he only bathes every ‘other’ day. Ok correct me someone, because I sometimes confuse English terms but does ‘every other day’ mean like missing a day out? If it does then it is bad enough actually not bathing everyday BUT then to admit to other people(especially girls) that this is the reason for you being stanky? uff….that’s just dumb).

But today I wont rant about them.

Perhaps I can talk about how many of the non-Muslim nationalities, who get freaked out by the whole taking a dump or piss in a hole in a ground thing and using water to clean yourself afterwards. So for those who think this is nasty, let me ask you a question which is a common joke. Have you ever tried taking a bath only using dry Kleenex?

Khalas.

Ranting on this will proberly alienate half my readers, so I will overlook this subject on the ground of cultural differences and sensitivity.

BTW on toilet matters, someone already mentioned this subject on my reply section and as a man I have to repeat it ‘Men! Don’t pee on the toilet seat’! Really its nasty. Listen if you cant piss straight into a bowl you need to go see a doctor or else stoop down and do it like our parents taught us when growing up (that’s if you are Arab). And if you do pee on the seat…clean it please! Women are not equipped like men and WILL have to sit down in a puddle of your mess only coz you were to lazy to pay attention! And finally whatever you do in the toilet even if it is just to fix your agil, wash your hands afterwards. Those places are dirty.

But today I wont rant about this either.

No. This rant is about the phenomina that i mainly saw in Abu-Dhabi from a particular strata of the expat community originating from the Sub Continent. That is scratching your ‘ah-hems’ in public. Listen if you wanna play with your privates, go home to your room and do it there. If you are sharing it with 50 other people then go rent a 2 star hotel room for one months wages and play with yourself there. Don’t do it in public. Its sickening and gross.

Ok, Ok reality check. Men in the middle-east as far as I know are not likely to masturbate in public so what other reasons are you going to have to keep fiddling or scratching ur unmentionables in public for? I can only think of three reasons.

One. You think it is sexy.
Two. You are dirty.
Three. Both One and Two.

Listen it is not sexy periodically rubbing yourself in public. Who are you trying to impress? Huh? There are rarely any women around (except for those Filipina Burger K!ng staff, and believe me it doesnt take much to impress one. All you need is a white dishdasha/guthra/and a brand new polythingy mobile ringtone. With these equipment on you, all you need to do is make a casual eye contact with one and ... *KA-ching!!* you will see those two dollar signs flash up in their eyes and their world is yours...if u r into that kinda thing). But no one else is going to be impressed by your frequent handling of your meat and two veges. So I can only conclude you do it coz you are dirty. It doesn’t look good for you looking dirty. No, it just looks dirty. Oh and thats not a sexy Christina Agulaira 'Dirty'. No. Thats a not having washed in days dirty (ok, ok some say thats the same thing).

But its not just sub cons who do this but Arab’s aswell. If this is you? Don’t raise your arms when you come to me coz I am not shaking hands with you…whether that be your left of right hand, I don’t care. And if you are Local and you whisper 'khshmak' then its without hands ok? Unless… you do the 'brown nosing' thing, and if you do do that, then I dont even wanna touch you ;)

Oh yeah and on you brown nosing type ppl: you will be part of the subject matter of my next rant. So till then toodle-loo.

intermission

2005-10-31T05:20:00.000-08:00

For everyone who don’t know or can’t tell, here are the 3 reasons for this blog.

The number # 1 reason for this blog is to improve my English. I pretty much taught myself this language and everything you see written is possible from reading lots of English books, articles on the net and magazines, too too many english documentaries (i am a 'doco-holic' a name i just made up now) and some films, T.V and lots of music. So there.

The number # 2 reason is to entertain.

The number # 3 reason is to educate. To show you life from my perspective as a UAE National. To let you know that each Local is an individual, and even if too you, we might all look alike, dress alike and talk alike we don’t all think alike and as diverse in our standpoints as you are. Dont ever sterotype me. Also in my posts there is nearly always a ‘moral of the story’ kink at the end of each entry, so read between the lines , sense the sarcasm and irony , don’t take offence and then read the next bit below ->

Why am I writing this now after a whole month of writing this blog? From this point on I will no longer hold back with my rants and this is your one and only health warning. I shan’t hold back no more. I am reading other peoples blogs and they are not censoring themselves, holding back or light stepping on the issues. So for the last three rants on this page, I shall be as brutal and as relentless as I am in the real world. People who are of a nervous disposition, who wear pace-makers or are easily offended… return to this page at your own risk.

muwahahaha! (thats an evil laugh for those who still dont get it)

Sleep all day.

2005-10-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

I think I have to step up the posting for completing this blog and for working more on secret arabia because twisted is getting married* and gonna be busy while nomaadic is, well i dunno what he is doing. Nomaadic answer your damn phone or call me and stop being lazy.

Which tenuously leads me on to diss number #7 ;)

Lazy People.

This man here has already spoken about it. So I will just write about this man here.

My day in my life at 21 years old was usually like this...

5 pm

Wake Up, have shower.

5:25 pm

Call friends.

5:45 pm

Eat.

6:00 pm

Friends come round and we drive up and down. We drive nowhere in particular. Maybe just to the corniche ( I used to lived in Abu Dhabi) or too the desert or too another friends house.

We do this for 2 hours until 8:15 pm (this is just the average time worked out from doing this same thing after 5 years) where we then go to the mall.

8:15 pm

At the mall we walk up and down for two hours. Yes you guessed it, talking on the cell phones to Allah knows who coz all of our friends are walking there in the mall with us anyway (This is before blue tooth or else we would of spent the time chilling in Starbucks type place, having a different kind of 'fun')

10:00-12 am

We go to the cinema at about 10 pm. If nothing is showing then we usually use this time to just drive around some more..or go to one of those Balush nightclubs in the hotels and watch frail 70 year old Locals fight with the big bouncers in a drunken state because they wouldnt let them twirl their canes in the air in tune to the musiq . (Sometimes you just wish you bought a camera)

12:00 am

We go to a cafe and we smoke sheesha , drink coffee and play dominos till 2:00 am

2:00 am

Dinner time.

4:00 am

Bed time.

At 22 years I woke up, for real. Realized that life is to short and can be more fun living than being in a sleepy daze the whole time. ;)

*what? its not like anyone who knows you doesnt know your getting married and only a couple people in blog world actually know the real you anyway. hehehe

I Like Big Butts

2005-10-23T01:10:00.000-07:00

Number 6# On My Diss List

Hip Hop Videos and Hip Hop Culture

This rant is a little serious and i shall not make fun of people here this time, (well not too much). It is not going to be about expats like i promised, but it is going to be about a part of expat culture imported here. Hip hop culture.

Why do so many of us who like to look at rap videos try to act like the rap stars? I have to say that I like rap aswell and I listen to it along with my Mohamed Abdu songs and my Madonna songs. I think I am a very open minded man about most things in this life and that includes music, but i dont try to copy and immulate these people.
You will never see me changing my hair to blond to look like Eminem and you will never see me walking around with baggy jeans with one leg rolled up my calf and you will never see me refer to my sisters or my wife as my b!tches.

I listen to the rap and i play it in my truck and nod my head to it like a gangsta (notice the hip hop spelling), but not because I think it looks cool but because I like the way it sounds. But i accept it, for what it is, entertainment and nothing else.

In hip-hop videos, I see the girls bouncing their 'bootay' (hiphop spelling again) , while the boys pretending to be gangstas with the black hoods and pretend to drive around in their black 4x4 'drug cars' which i think is all very fake looking anyway. I sat down with my little brother one afternoon in front of the TV and saw a rapper comparing 'black butts with white butts'. I was laughing so much coz it was so silly but only after I sent my little brother out of the room. I feel he doesnt need to see this at 10 yrs old. He has some innocence and is from a culture richer and better than this.

BTW i am not talking about a black thing Vs an arab thing because those magribi hip hop rai gangsta videos (and even some lebanese and egyptian pop videos are getting a bit carried away with the bootay aswell). But I dont understand how anyone from a culture as rich as ours (Emirati) would want to substitute that for a culture that is obviously manufactured by big US multinationals and packaged as entertainment through music videos cd's and clothes just to make money.

How dumb is that arab kid who likes to walk around in wooly gangsta hats in Dubai's 35 degree heat, just because they think it looks cool or 'kewl'? (Hip hop spelling one more time). Ya3ny it is too hot for that. Remember that male westerner I talked about in diss number 5? If you notice, he is still walking around with his fat pink thighs exposed coz it is still soo hot! While I am still sweating like a waterfall from the heat, even though I am wearing an ultra cool, ultra light, dishdasha and guthra. So why the **** is he dressing like it is -5 in New York?

Maybe the answer is the same reason why they have all those fake-ass(hip hop term) american accents when they talk. Coz its a form of cultural imperialism and a shame of their own heritage. Have any of you tried talking to someone from this group? They always have to throw the phrase 'bull shit', 'fuck you' or 'hey man/dude' some where in the conversation when they are speaking to you in english just to show that they are 'experts' in the language.

BTW the next guy who calls me 'hey man' and has an arabic accent trying hard to be disguised as an american accent, I shall get a knife, cut his tounge out and staple it to his forehead... so whenever he looks in the mirror he will remember that it is not 'kewl' trying to be cool, using a voice that is obviously not 'kewl' .

All these reasons make it why I prefer to look, dress and be traditional to the outside world and affirm my proudness in my identity, even if I am still listening to Black Eyed Peas on my IPod plugged into my Landruiser's 'booming system' (oh dear, hip hop slang again.. i need de-programming).

Disclaimer : Any bad english/spelling/grammer witnessed by you dear user is here because of one of two reasons. 1) It is late 1:05 in the morning and my english usually degrades the later the time gets 2) Really my english is excellent and all the english/spelling/grammer mistakes I make are not really mistakes but just hip hop slang and spelling. Please take your pick.

You Are an Alien

2005-10-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

No 5# on my diss list.

TOURISTS

London Summer 2002

When I was in London a couple of years ago this English person asked me where was I from? I said I was from the Emirates. He asked me if that was in Saudi Arabia. I told him no it is the Emirates a country by itself. He said ‘oh is that near to Egypt?’ I told him no it is in the Gulf. Egypt is in Africa. He said ok ‘but it must be dangerous there with wars and terroists’ I told him no there has been no war or terroisim in my country and it is safe. He said what about Palestianian problem and Saddam Hussein. I told him Palestine and Baghdad are not in the UAE they are separate places, different countries. He looked at me confused and at this point I took this break in my interrogation to ask for my bus ticket and change from him.

I then explained to this bus conductor that the middle east is more than just a 10 square mile area called ‘Saudi Arabia’ ranging from Cairo to Baghdad down to Beirute and Palestine. It is infact a large place that stretches from Iran to Mauritania and has many different kind of people and cultures in it. I then asked him if National Geo Graphic channel actually comes on in the UK and supress the urge to ask if they have books in school.

Dubai Autumn 2005

So he steps of the plane at DXB (Not the same man but many people like him) and he is shocked to see that we actually drive cars here (not camels) live in houses, villas and apartments , not tents or pyramids but he is still worried that he might get kidnapped by Al Qa3da and flown western class to Iraq to make a quest appearance in a video exclusive on Al Jazeera while his wife and daughters will get sold into white slavery and shipped off to Saudi to become part of a rich sheikhs harem, like the ones in those old black and white Hollywood films and have to walk around in belly dancers clothes and say things like ‘yes master your long brown and greased .. twirly moustache is sexy’.

So you Mr. Tourist Man and your companions will become the focus of this rant and I will write about things I have heared about or seen or directly experienced regarding your group.

1) It is your first time in the UAE and it is not like Egypt or Morocco, so you are not allowed to haggle with Taxi drivers. That 100 dh bill from DXB Int to your Hotel in Jumeirah is not the starting price for you to negotiate down. You HAVE to pay that amount in full.

2) When you are speaking to a Local or any Arab, you DON’T have to speak veeerrreeey sloooowleeey like this, because many of us do understand English. Just speak clearly. If we don’t understand we will say.

3) Don’t try to look shocked if any of us speak to you with excellent English. {obviously not including me ;) } Its rude and it could give a big head to some of us who are doing that speaking to you ;)

4) Women. Do not walk in City Centre with your pink legs all the way up to your belly button exposed and enough clevege displayed that it could put a pillow factory out of business and then complain that Arab men are such dogs for staring at you and asking you ‘how much?’ You come here; Respect the culture. By extension this goes to some black girls aswell (I’m guessing of the west African variety) umm, big hooped earrings, big make up and super tight jeans for shopping in Spinny’s… no no no, not a good idea. This is Dubai not Detroit.

5) Men. It doesn’t look very manly walking around with your fat pink legs exposed all the way up to your thighs in City Centre or Jumeriah Beach and then U complain that Arab men are such jerks for staring at you and asking ‘how much?’ ;)

6) Men (of the limp wristed variety) Yes women are harder to come by here BUT that doesn’t mean all Arab men are still going to surrender to homosexual desire and give your arse a good seeing too with 8 inches of arabian hospitality *oops did i just cross the line?*. Well, I don’t care what you heared from your gay expat friend living in Satwa told you about us. You come here; Respect the culture and its people.

7) Those ready made dishdashers you can buy in the packets at the Airport and toursity type shops; Please don’t think about wear them in public. a) Your are not Arab, dishdashers are not for you. b) Good grieve man! It came out a freakin packet for goodness sake, even it was acceptable for you to dress like us still don’t wear it.

8) Women again. Don’t believe every young Arab stud you meet at a night club when he says his father is a rich oil sheikh or a prince back in his home country when he is only trying to get inside your jeans, because that Hummer or Benz parked out side is really hired or just his best friends, and all his father does back in his ‘home country’ is sell falafels on the street corner. (that applies to expat women as well coz I am surprised by the mount of times my friends have told me they have used that line and gotten ‘immediate results’ :-o )

9) Dont walk around like this is still the days of Empire with an attitude. It doesnt play well here and that attitude wont take you far. Remember when it comes to giving attitute we can play that game better and this being our country we can win :)

If any one reading this felt I crossed the line at any point, well sorry, but I don’t think I said anything that is not true and what I did say does show you how you look like to us in our eyes. Ignorance of other peoples culture where your holidaying in , is never an excuse for un-appropriate behaviour. So no offence. Ok? Good.

I sincerely hope you enjoy your stay :)

I AM A LOCAL

2005-10-05T22:49:00.000-07:00

No # 4 on my diss List.

LOCALS *gasp*

Alright then. I have the choice of writing this in arabic or english but I know not all locals can read arabic ;) or even speak it (thats for u Mr or Mrs Emirati person who grow up in Birmingham or LA or somewhere in between and now think you are more western than a westerner and now cant even speak ur mother tounge even though u r all dishdashed up. That is also for the Mr or Mrs Emirati person who only spent 1 year in a foreign country but come back with an American accent even though they was not even in America. How the *#%@ did you get an American accent if you spent all your time in Germany or UK or Australia? Hmm?)

Today I shall diss without breaking my fast Locals who are wannab shiekhs .

1) Dont drive around town in ur Toyota Lexus like you are the king of dubai. Because u know and I know u can barely keep up the payments and that you only have a job as a clerk in a bank or post office somewhere.

2) Dont let ur little brother drive around town in ur Toyota Lexus because that is just plain stupid.

3) Dont boast about ur next new mobile phone when u can barelly afford credit for it OR forget that the one 'all singing all dancing' one you have is not real but just a clone u bought in Bur Dubai.

4) Dont try to speak in an American accent to impress that blond expat girl when u can hardly string together one str8 sentence in English.

5) Dont go to the masjid and pray next to a paki or indian or bengali as an equal and then come out and wont even look at one or even notice his existance.

6) Shabab dont walk up and down in the mall all weekend talking on those freakin mobiles to your friends who all there with you in the mall anyway. Who are you talking to? Those things give tumors u know?

Dont take for granted the ground we live on and the life we have that has been prepared by our Beloved Sheikh Zayed. Dont be rude to those who have less than us, because we had nothing ourselve 2 generations ago. Remember Surah 31:18 in the Quran. If u dont know it, please look it up.

Finally dont give these people (the rest of the world) a chance to look down on us, because we are arabs & say that we are lazy & we are not civilised like they are. That all we know is violence and discrimination and the achievements we have made in this country, our country in particular is only by chance..

Ya3ny dont let them say we are lucky because we have oil. Tell them we are blessed because we have vision.

BTW... I am not an imam or sheikh or whatever, coz I am as bad as they come. But just blowing of steam, & expats and tourist dont relax coz ur both next on my dist list muwahhahahahaha!

B.O

2005-10-01T01:16:00.001-07:00

# 3 on my Diss List

People with body odor.

From an age of soap, water, bukhor and madkhan to one with soap, water, bukhor, madkhan and darrendoff, why do people still stink? There should be no excuse too smell bad. I have nothing more to say on that subject.

so whats next?

Hollywood

2005-09-28T22:52:00.000-07:00

No#2 on my diss list

Hollywood.

Where are all the arab actors? Hmm? In Hollywood there are only a few arab actors who I know. Tony Shalob, F Murray Abrahams, Omar Sharif, the one from Star Trek Deep Space 9 and erm thats it. Cant arabs act? Of course we can! So why I only know 3 1/2 actors?

Before 911 attack there were plenty of parts for arabs. Evil Shiekh roles and evil terroist roles were too many. Now after 911 there are now more roles for Evil Shiekhs , and evil terroists and supernatural Mummies. But they are not even played by arabs. They only get indians or latinos or even afro-americans to play arabs but no real arabs. Leish??

I think of two examples straight away. West Wing 'Issac and Ismail'. There is an arab terroist suspect. He is played by an indian hindu man.

& there is Lost, a new program which is very good, partly because it is the 1st time an American program has as its main character and hero a Muslim->Arab->Iraqi->Republican Gaurd Soldier. Waaaw. That is brave for the program makers BUT he is played by a hindu guy aswell. Well 8/10 for effort. As 4 Naveen Andrews, he doesnt even do a good Iraqi accent but does speak arabic half well when the script writers ask for it and can even pass for an Iraqi of Yemani origins.

So. I think there is not enough good arab actors available in Hollywood. And whenever they want the part of a brown terroist and there are no hindu actors around they call a special hot line. Just dial 800-Art Malik.

Mr. You are a credit to your race and mine :-(

The western worlds second biggest mistake

2005-09-20T04:17:00.000-07:00

Allowing me to learn english, now there's gonna be trouble muwahahahaha!

Who's first on my diss list? Ibn Buttutu Mall.

I was attacked. The Filipino girl in Geant attacked me! The bitch! Maybe she saw this, her only chance to get a Local back for years of dreamt up mistreatment. I go into the mall to pick up shopping for a friend living in the Gardens. Nice evening, so I decide to walk to Geant from his appartment.

Tired now when I reach the mall *silly me* should of taken the car. Inside Geant more walking. I Walk up and down, up and down because I cannot find anything and the staff act like they cant speak arabic or english.

Uff I see a filipino girl smartly dressed, holding two bottles of aftershave. She sees me in white kandora & 5'oclock shadow at 1'oclock & shit, she moves towards me. I dont like to loose a game of Chicken, so I continue to move in her direction.

When we are in hailing distance she is 'hellow siiir. would yew like to try this new fragrance?.'
I try to be alof and diss her with a 'no'. It doesnt work. I am a sucker for a cute smile and lifting my arm she sprays me. Its like cat piss, and she sprays too much of it. & now I walk through the mall stinking of what is like cat piss.

Go get a taxi to take me back into the Gardens aftewards and the driver is bitching about its only a small distance. Who gives a fuck? I am paying you for the ride dammit. And I give an extra bad glance to him so he doesnt make a face about the way i smell.

I'm never going back.

Allo world

2005-09-17T05:20:00.000-07:00

A year from now , no one will remember what 'blogging' is and a new fad would of taken its place. But for now, just for now, let me rest in its lime light. World are you ready for me?

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Vote

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28 Days Later: Pure Rage

Death Row

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PRESS RELEASE

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The Missionary Position.

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toot

I Propose: Shoes.

I Propose: Videe’hoes

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"Backseat of my jeep: Lets swing an episode"

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Ketchup Episode II: The Empire of Indians Strikes Back

Ketchup

RETURN.

Sorry Satwa

From Hell.

Diss Number 10 pt 2

Diss Number 10 (part 1)

James Zogby

sub diss vignette

Dirty

*intermission*

Sleep all day.

I Like Big Butts

You Are an Alien

I AM A LOCAL

B.O

Hollywood

The western worlds second biggest mistake

Allo world

intermission