From Hell.
Earthquakes and demons.
Welcome back me. There is a problem on Secret Arabian that means the public cannot access the site, so for the time being I will resume posting here. Don’t really have much to say today except that this perhaps can be called the ‘Week from Hell’. All those who said Allah’s judgment is coming down on Dubai for its decadent and slack ways via an earthquake and for all those others who say this place is Hell on earth here is the proof..here is their proof.
This week this scary picture appeared in Emirates Today. Ever wanted to know what those ‘Jumeriah Janes’ looked like behind those slightly tinted out SUVs that you see parket out side Spinnys? Here is a fiendish gathering of a group of them exclusively captured by Emirate-Alyoum…
Click on it and go to page 25. Its called Jumeriah Jane Hell.
And if this wernt bad enough we are going to have another mass gathering of 'Satwa-esque' wannabe gangstas, ‘ghetto fabulous’ rich kids and general foolishness because Busta and Missy are gonna be in town. Cue the Gulfs biggest collection of Fake Bling and Fake American accents all in one large Haskhal gathering.
Makes me wanna go out into the desert and climb under a rock for a week or just repeatedly hit myself in the head with one.
Diss Number 10 pt 2
Diss Number # 10.I was going to write something really deep and profound and thought provoking on the subject but cant be bothered anymore. Ya3ny what more do I need to say about racism except that it is ‘bad’ ? ... So Khalas! this blog fin :)But I am not finished in the blogging world, but I just want to concentrate on Secret Arabian blog because I am too lazy to write on two blogs. So thanx all *eyes begin to swell with water* you have all been so kind to regularly leave comments even if you had to guessing what I was writing in my blog because my English was …I dunno lazy most of the time, I guess. Thank you
Secret British babe in Dubai and the
Lebanese Sherlock Holms character . To
Keefieboy the only one out there in blogland who cared to link to my blog coz twisted couldn’t even bother too :p Also thank you Local Heroines: p.y.t (assuming you are a girl) love4peace , chevy, desertprincess and all the others including my pet troll and thank you to the Filipina in Geant who sprayed me with that foul perfume and inspired me to set up my own blog.
You can still leave comments here though, but no more new posts. BTW I was just kidding bout that eyes swelling with water thing coz I am just being silly and I’m not going anywhere. I will still post on A Secret Blog from Arabia so I’ll be around. Anyway I will let my daughter close this blog with some carefully chosen words. She’s only 2 ½ years old but she is going to be as strong and spunky as her papi:
cjsdvcs adbsk aksvdjvd kadsajv jasddddddddddddd sa akjdskb lkan kjda sab.
Ddsfcd jsk k jk hvjcx hkbm hbkhd s jhska dkn sa xamsvcd sdja xa mzhx sa
Sdaujbk dbasj csdfja s dhbkds mdsi hlan dcmn fgvnc bnvh kjs djks bwdhwshj jhs
Yeah. Ain’t that the truth?!
Diss Number 10 (part 1)
Ok khalas. Its time to finish this blog. Everytime I try to end it , something in the real world gets in my way and I have to do something else. Here is a brief snap shot of my life in the real world: My wife be yak yak yaking about something I don’t know what, half the time. Boss at work be yak yak yaking in Indianese but that’s ok coz I don’t notice him much anyway and my neighbour is complaining about something as usual, but I stopped taking him serious after that time he got his foot stuck in our front gate after he was playing football with his nephew. ( which btw was a very surreal day).
Ibn Battuta Mall
Now back to blog world. How do I end *insert witty blog title here* with the final diss? I want to write about Ibn Buttcrack Mall ( expat pronouciation number #288) but its not fair on that mall coz I have already ranted about them once already. Besides, I am no real expert on that place , coz whenever I am in the Gardens to visit a certain car less ‘Bedouin’ friend of mine and he wants to buy something in Geant… I always wait outside in the car park. I hate that place. Its vulgar, overdone, excessive and a largely pointless place. I mean come on, every other mall on this planet has a KFC a Debanons and a Starbucks in it. So what is so special about this place? Talk about presenting the same stink shit in some brand new packaging over and over again, Dubai. I mean can you imagine Ibn Battuta on his travels of the ancient world stopping at Axiom to pick up the latest Nokia, before fighting hordes of angry cannibals Sinbad the Sailor style? Coz that what the mall wants us all to believe. The makers of this mall are trying to present to us some over glossed fake ass ‘Hollywood Disney’ version of the Middle East that has been designed for the largely Western expat population of the Gardens in mind. These people like many people who come here from the West have all come to Dubai looking for something exotically romantic, like a Sinbad movie, but are now feeling let down coz this Emirate looks more and more like Beverly Hills or Miami everyday that goes by.….
Local MediaSo then I thought I would write about Gulf News. I hate that paper for the simple reason of those stupid polls they have. I mean what kind of dumb ass question is ARE WOMEN BETTER DRIVERS THAN MEN? The answer is so obvious I shall not even bother to continue on that paper or that issue. Besides 7Days is a lot worse, but no way near as bad as that sh!tty Khaleej Times, which should be renamed Sub Con Times coz there is nothing Khaleej about it…
BUT there is one media in this country which needs to be dissed more than any other and that is Channel 4fm. I listened to radio in the UK and even the most amateur sounding ones like LBC{!} (the London radio station, not the Lebanese TV station silly) and Choice FM sound more professional than what they present here for us. I mean how many times a day do we have to listen to the same 5 stink songs by the same stink 5 singers (Black Eyed Peas, Destiny’s Child, Britney, 50 Cent and Eminem) over and over. Then in between the songs we have to sit in more pain, coz we have to listen to the DJ regurgitate what he read in some American teen magazine about Brad Pitt or Catherine Zeta Jones for the umpteenth time, followed by stories about which celebrity is screwing who and who is divorcing who and who is back in rehab. But you know in reality really no one is listening to him. Why? Coz
A we have heard it all before, and
B this discussion is happening:
*Insert brief discussion by UAE Locals about Channel 4 Fm DJs accents*.
Cousin : Is this DJ American?
Me : No I think he is Australian
Cousin #2 :Walah? But isnt that an Irish accent?
Friend: But he sounds British (English)
Me: :So why does he talk about Canada a lot.?
Cousin: : Really I think he is perhaps American, ya3ny dont you notice all the listeners who call up all have American accents aswell?
Friend: :The difference between Canada and American accents are?
Cousin # 2 :I don’t know. They all sound the same to me.
Me: :So. About those people who call up… Those are American accents?
QUESTION: Why does this deep and meaningful debate take place?
ANSWER: I think all those DJs have to speak in some weird Mid Atlantic accent so they don’t offend or alienate any one western expat nationality living here, which is really dumb coz it just comes of sounding weird. Now all this philosophizing makes me have to conclude that Channel 4Fm has become an utterly pointless radio station to listen to. Why? If the music is crap and the DJs only talk crap and all the people who call up that station are full of crap, then what real reason do we have to listen to that station? Call 6001644 with the correct answer and a chance to win an exclusive Channel 4fm car sticker...so I can run you off the road if I see it attached to your back window or bumper.
Talking about bad music and bad voices, this morning I was thinking about ranting about Michael Jackson. That is one sick fuck who needs to swim his pedophilic ass back to Bahrain coz he is not wanted here. Dubai looses points everyday they let another second rate ‘B List celebrity’ into the country(which includes you Jacko coz your Thriller days aint ever coming back… ever) to buy an exclusive villa or penthouse here and then make the local media about how great it is afterwards. Both Locals who are 'aware' and I am sure even expats by now, don’t want any more trash let in and I personally don’t really care for the Beckhams or some other shitty overpaid under-educated footballer and his
bitch moving into another brand new luxary expat compound here.
Dubai used to have class now it is turning into a rich expat hell; this is why I don’t have time for most of them (expats) either. And this leads me onto what the final entry on this blog is going to be about.
Diss # 10 Racism.99.9% of my friends are locals..but I have a lot of friends (real friends, not just work mates) and the 0.1% who are not locals, are Levantine, British, British Indian/Paki, American and Afro American. That’s diversity for you and I like them a lot. They don’t spend their whole time complaining about ‘Dubai this’, ‘Local that’ , ‘Arab this’ , ‘Muslims that’, they just get on with life. Sometimes they complain but not all the time coz it is human nature for people to complain about at least one thing in life. Besides this emirate can be pretty screwed up on some things, *coughs ‘malls/hoes/driving’* but I have traveled a lot and I have seen no place and no people that is perfect, so for all you other expat whiners put up or shut up!
Anyway diversity is nice (anyone who knows my family can see the diverse range of females my brothers have picked for their wives (including yours truly) that come from both the Local and expat range of colors and creeds... So I cannot tolerate racism. BTW don’t come to me afterwards with 'oh but Jaseem you have already said bad things on this blog about westerners and Asians'. For that I shall say, there is a difference between being racist and being politically incorrect.
Being PC is boring and fake.
Deal with it.
Anyway I will continue and conclude this blog later. Its dragged on long enough and it is 12:35 am and a coffee shop somewhere is calling me for some serious chill-out time with some friends, a box of dominoes and a hookah pipe :)))
And for all you ignorants living in the Gardens shopping at Ibn Battuta Mall but still don’t know what the Mall is really about. Here is a
link for you. NOTE: When you read it you will find no mention of Paris Gallery , Automatic Restaurant or Woolworths anywhere in the explanation and history of this great man.
James Zogby
Some people just shouldnt say words.
Diss No #9
James Zogby.James if by a little possibility you read blogs from this part of the world, the part of the world called the Gulf, which you have effectively shown you have no idea about, I hope you read my words and feel proud.
You are the 1st man to become the subject of an entire diss. Walah personal attacks are not my thing and I do not like to do this but your 'enlightened and informed' comments prove why some people should just have that part of the brain that make it possible to express an opinion, removed from their heads for their own good and for the good of humanity and all things right pure and proper in this world.
James your comparison between the Gulf State's Indian community and the Arab/African community in France is not only uninformed but it is also unprofessional. Even that guy from
Emirates Economists had to be sent and correct you... and with all due respect to you Mr Chilton, i never even heard of you before I knew what blogging was. So if they then feel the need to draft you in(assuming it is you and not by some crazy coincidence another economist based in the UAE with the same name as yours) too come and correct Mr James (I have an international TV program and influencial family in the states) Zogby then what does it mean?
I dont know.
What I do know is that it gives the more paranoid
and the more trigger hungry Locals like Emiriti
here a reason for getting the water cannons greased up for some whole sale 'sub con' splashing circa 1960's America race riot style.
James dont feel like you are being victimised by some perhaps arrogant/illiterate khaleeji kid who cant even write english well, because making number #9 on my diss list is an achivement. Not only are you the first human on my blog to get a whole diss based around himself, but also you beat that airhead puppet of a muppet of a President, Dubya... and that slut ugly too much make up wearin- poor man's JLo -aka Maddona/Britney clone - Beyonce/Shakira wannabe, Nancy Ajram to this
post.Love ya babe.
sub diss vignette
Smokers
Here is why smoking is stupid.
I went with my friend to visit a cousin I had not seen in a long time over the Eid Weekend. This what a typical conversation with him was like.
Me. How is Ahmed ?Cousin. *cough* He is getting married next august *cough*Me. Yes my aunt told me but ...Cousin *cough cough khgahhhhhhhh (nasty hawking noise) then he spits*Friend. Do you want water?Cousin. Alhumdillah (no thanx)Me. Yes my aunt was saying that he will get married but he is worried about Cousin. *intertupted by more cough coughing* (Awkward Silence).Cousin. Fukken {famous brand} Lights! Me. Ohooah! Very bad. Ah?Cousin. Yeah I am finished. Common lets go to the shop, I need some more. ( Awkward Silence again)Cousin. *coughs*This guy stinks. Not in a bad way, just in a tobacco way. Which is a bad way maybe. He has an apartment on his own in Abu Dhabi away from the folks coz of his work (and his sanity) and I think his family is happy aswell coz he smokes too much and his apartment smells like a night club.
Tell me. Why do people in this country smoke so much? We need to have more non-smoking zones and less promotion of this drug. Coz it is a drug. Even the many Ulemah (religious egg heads) say that smoking is no longer makrou (a dodgy thing to do) but it is straight up haram (a very bad thing to do). It is addictive (Like alchohol) and it can kill you.
There is an advert on tv in uk made by a man who died of cancer shortly before his daughters 18th birthday or something like that, coz he was to stupid with the smoking everyday.(sorry for being so disrespectful to the dead, but i am sure he will say the same thing about himself)
Tell me. If you smoke, why do you do it? Does it make you look cool? Everyone in Dubai is trying to be cool even if it kills them.
Ya3ny there are hardly any locals in UAE as there is.. and if most of us have mobile phones stuck to our head in one hand (where's ur damn blue tooth anyway) and cigarrets in the other 24 hrs a day, then the war against cancer will be see more unecessary casualties.
Smokers. You dont look cool when you smoke, you just look pathetic and you stink. You belong in the category of people in diss number 3 and 8.
Non smokers! The next time you see a smoker sitting in a restaurant stinking up the place. Slap them. 'Slap them ya Local Hero?'
Yes Slap them. Slap them hard and then take that cigarette and put it out on their foreheads so whenever they look in the mirror from that point on, their scarred face will remind them it is not cool anymore to smoke. Its just dumb.
