Dirty
Diss Number # 8
Dirty people.
A continuation on the people in diss number #3.
But today I am not simply talking about any kind of dirty people. Ya3ny I could talk about people who only bath ‘every other day’ in a climate that demands that you bath every other hour (
once I overheard this American guy talking with some girls at the other table in a restaurant on how he only bathes every ‘other’ day. Ok correct me someone, because I sometimes confuse English terms but does ‘every other day’ mean like missing a day out? If it does then it is bad enough actually not bathing everyday BUT then to admit to other people(especially girls) that this is the reason for you being stanky? uff….that’s just dumb).
But today I wont rant about them.
Perhaps I can talk about how many of the non-Muslim nationalities, who get freaked out by the whole taking a dump or piss in a hole in a ground thing and using water to clean yourself afterwards. So for those who think this is nasty, let me ask you a question which is a common joke. Have you ever tried taking a bath only using dry Kleenex?
Khalas.
Ranting on this will proberly alienate half my readers, so I will overlook this subject on the ground of cultural differences and sensitivity.
BTW on toilet matters, someone already mentioned this subject on my reply section and as a man I have to repeat it ‘Men! Don’t pee on the toilet seat’! Really its nasty. Listen if you cant piss straight into a bowl you need to go see a doctor or else stoop down and do it like our parents taught us when growing up (that’s if you are Arab). And if you do pee on the seat…clean it please! Women are not equipped like men and WILL have to sit down in a puddle of your mess only coz you were to lazy to pay attention! And finally whatever you do in the toilet even if it is just to fix your agil, wash your hands afterwards. Those places are dirty.
But today I wont rant about this either.
No. This rant is about the phenomina that i mainly saw in Abu-Dhabi from a particular strata of the expat community originating from the Sub Continent. That is scratching your ‘ah-hems’ in public. Listen if you wanna play with your privates, go home to your room and do it there. If you are sharing it with 50 other people then go rent a 2 star hotel room for one months wages and play with yourself there. Don’t do it in public. Its sickening and gross.
Ok, Ok reality check. Men in the middle-east as far as I know are not likely to masturbate in public so what other reasons are you going to have to keep fiddling or scratching ur unmentionables in public for? I can only think of three reasons.
One. You think it is sexy.
Two. You are dirty.
Three. Both One and Two.
Listen it is
not sexy periodically rubbing yourself in public. Who are you trying to impress? Huh? There are rarely any women around (except for those Filipina Burger K!ng staff, and believe me it doesnt take much to impress one. All you need is a white dishdasha/guthra/and a brand new polythingy mobile ringtone. With these equipment on you, all you need to do is make a casual eye contact with one and ...
*KA-ching!!* you will see those two dollar signs flash up in their eyes and their world is
yours...if u r into that kinda thing). But no one else is going to be impressed by your frequent handling of your meat and two veges. So I can only conclude you do it coz you are
dirty. It doesn’t look good for you looking
dirty. No, it just looks
dirty. Oh and thats not a sexy Christina Agulaira 'Dirty'. No. Thats a not having washed in days dirty (ok, ok some say thats the same thing).
But its not just sub cons who do this but Arab’s aswell. If this is you? Don’t raise your arms when you come to me coz I am not shaking hands with you…whether that be your left of right hand, I don’t care. And if you are Local and you whisper 'khshmak' then its without hands ok? Unless… you do the 'brown nosing' thing, and if you do do that, then I dont even wanna touch you ;)
Oh yeah and on you brown nosing type ppl: you will be part of the subject matter of my next rant. So till then toodle-loo.
*intermission*
For everyone who don’t know or can’t tell, here are the 3 reasons for this blog.
The number # 1 reason for this blog is to improve my English. I pretty much taught myself this language and everything you see written is possible from reading lots of English books, articles on the net and magazines, too too many english documentaries (i am a 'doco-holic' a name i just made up now) and some films, T.V and lots of music. So there.
The number # 2 reason is to entertain.
The number # 3 reason is to educate. To show you life from my perspective as a UAE National. To let you know that each Local is an individual, and even if too you, we might all look alike, dress alike and talk alike we don’t all think alike and as diverse in our standpoints as you are. Dont ever sterotype me. Also in my posts there is nearly always a ‘moral of the story’ kink at the end of each entry, so read between the lines , sense the sarcasm and irony , don’t take offence and then read the next bit below ->
Why am I writing this now after a whole month of writing this blog? From this point on I will no longer hold back with my rants and
this is your one and only
health warning.
I shan’t hold back no more. I am reading other peoples blogs and they are not censoring themselves, holding back or light stepping on the issues. So for the last three rants on this page, I shall be as brutal and as relentless as I am in the real world. People who are of a nervous disposition, who wear pace-makers or are easily offended… return to this page at your own risk.
muwahahaha! (thats an evil laugh for those who still dont get it)
Sleep all day.
I think I have to step up the posting for completing this blog and for working more on
secret arabia because twisted is getting married* and gonna be busy while nomaadic is, well i dunno what he is doing. Nomaadic answer your damn phone or call me and stop being lazy.
Which tenuously leads me on to diss number #7 ;)
Lazy People.
This man
here has already spoken about it. So I will just write about this man
here.
My day in my life at 21 years old was usually like this...
5 pm
Wake Up, have shower.
5:25 pm
Call friends.
5:45 pm
Eat.
6:00 pm
Friends come round and we drive up and down. We drive nowhere in particular. Maybe just to the corniche ( I used to lived in Abu Dhabi) or too the desert or too another friends house.
We do this for 2 hours until 8:15 pm (this is just the average time worked out from doing this same thing after 5 years) where we then go to the mall.
8:15 pm
At the mall we walk up and down for two hours. Yes you guessed it, talking on the cell phones to Allah knows who coz all of our friends are walking there in the mall with us anyway (This is before blue tooth or else we would of spent the time chilling in Starbucks type place, having a different kind of 'fun')
10:00-12 am
We go to the cinema at about 10 pm. If nothing is showing then we usually use this time to just drive around some more..or go to one of those Balush nightclubs in the hotels and watch frail 70 year old Locals fight with the big bouncers in a drunken state because they wouldnt let them twirl their canes in the air in tune to the musiq . (Sometimes you just wish you bought a camera)
12:00 am
We go to a cafe and we smoke sheesha , drink coffee and play dominos till 2:00 am
2:00 am
Dinner time.
4:00 am
Bed time.
At 22 years I woke up,
for real. Realized that life is to short and can be more fun living than being in a sleepy daze the whole time. ;)
*what? its not like anyone who knows you doesnt know your getting married and only a couple people in blog world actually know the real you anyway. hehehe
I Like Big Butts
Number 6# On My Diss List
Hip Hop Videos and Hip Hop Culture
This rant is a little serious and i shall not make fun of people here this time, (well not too much). It is not going to be about expats like i promised, but it is going to be about a part of expat culture imported here. Hip hop culture.
Why do so many of us who like to look at rap videos try to act like the rap stars? I have to say that I like rap aswell and I listen to it along with my Mohamed Abdu songs and my Madonna songs. I think I am a very open minded man about most things in this life and that includes music, but i dont try to copy and immulate these people.
You will never see me changing my hair to blond to look like Eminem and you will never see me walking around with baggy jeans with one leg rolled up my calf and you will never see me refer to my sisters or my wife as my b!tches.
I listen to the rap and i play it in my truck and nod my head to it like a gangsta (notice the hip hop spelling), but not because I think it looks cool but because I like the way it sounds. But i accept it, for what it is, entertainment and nothing else.
In hip-hop videos, I see the girls bouncing their 'bootay' (hiphop spelling again) , while the boys pretending to be gangstas with the black hoods and pretend to drive around in their black 4x4 'drug cars' which i think is all very fake looking anyway. I sat down with my little brother one afternoon in front of the TV and saw a rapper comparing 'black butts with white butts'. I was laughing so much coz it was so silly but only after I sent my little brother out of the room. I feel he doesnt need to see this at 10 yrs old. He has some innocence and is from a culture richer and better than this.
BTW i am not talking about a black thing Vs an arab thing because those magribi hip hop rai gangsta videos (and even some lebanese and egyptian pop videos are getting a bit carried away with the bootay aswell). But I dont understand how anyone from a culture as rich as ours (Emirati) would want to substitute that for a culture that is obviously manufactured by big US multinationals and packaged as entertainment through music videos cd's and clothes just to make money.
How dumb is that arab kid who likes to walk around in wooly gangsta hats in Dubai's 35 degree heat, just because they think it looks cool or 'kewl'? (Hip hop spelling one more time). Ya3ny it is too hot for that. Remember that male westerner I talked about in diss number 5? If you notice, he is still walking around with his fat pink thighs exposed coz it is still soo hot! While I am still sweating like a waterfall from the heat, even though I am wearing an ultra cool, ultra light, dishdasha and guthra. So why the **** is he dressing like it is -5 in New York?
Maybe the answer is the same reason why they have all those fake-ass(hip hop term) american accents when they talk. Coz its a form of cultural imperialism and a shame of their own heritage. Have any of you tried talking to someone from this group? They always have to throw the phrase 'bull shit', 'fuck you' or 'hey man/dude' some where in the conversation when they are speaking to you in english just to show that they are 'experts' in the language.
BTW the next guy who calls me 'hey man' and has an arabic accent trying hard to be disguised as an american accent, I shall get a knife, cut his tounge out and staple it to his forehead... so whenever he looks in the mirror he will remember that it is not 'kewl' trying to be cool, using a voice that is obviously not 'kewl' .
All these reasons make it why I prefer to look, dress and be traditional to the outside world and affirm my proudness in my identity,
even if I am still listening to Black Eyed Peas on my IPod plugged into my Landruiser's 'booming system' (oh dear, hip hop slang again.. i need de-programming).
Disclaimer : Any bad english/spelling/grammer witnessed by you dear user is here because of one of two reasons. 1) It is late 1:05 in the morning and my english usually degrades the later the time gets 2) Really my english is excellent and all the english/spelling/grammer mistakes I make are not really mistakes but just hip hop slang and spelling. Please take your pick.
You Are an Alien
No 5# on my diss list.
TOURISTS
London Summer 2002
When I was in London a couple of years ago this English person asked me where was I from? I said I was from the Emirates. He asked me if that was in Saudi Arabia. I told him no it is the Emirates a country by itself. He said ‘oh is that near to Egypt?’ I told him no it is in the Gulf. Egypt is in Africa. He said ok ‘but it must be dangerous there with wars and terroists’ I told him no there has been no war or terroisim in my country and it is safe. He said what about Palestianian problem and Saddam Hussein. I told him Palestine and Baghdad are not in the UAE they are separate places, different countries. He looked at me confused and at this point I took this break in my interrogation to ask for my bus ticket and change from him.
I then explained to this bus conductor that the middle east is more than just a 10 square mile area called ‘Saudi Arabia’ ranging from Cairo to Baghdad down to Beirute and Palestine. It is infact a large place that stretches from Iran to Mauritania and has many different kind of people and cultures in it. I then asked him if National Geo Graphic channel actually comes on in the UK and supress the urge to ask if they have books in school.
Dubai Autumn 2005
So he steps of the plane at DXB (Not the same man but many people like him) and he is shocked to see that we actually drive cars here (not camels) live in houses, villas and apartments , not tents or pyramids but he is still worried that he might get kidnapped by Al Qa3da and flown western class to Iraq to make a quest appearance in a video exclusive on Al Jazeera while his wife and daughters will get sold into white slavery and shipped off to Saudi to become part of a rich sheikhs harem, like the ones in those old black and white Hollywood films and have to walk around in belly dancers clothes and say things like ‘yes master your long brown and greased .. twirly moustache is sexy’.
So you Mr. Tourist Man and your companions will become the focus of this rant and I will write about things I have heared about or seen or directly experienced regarding your group.
1) It is your first time in the UAE and it is not like Egypt or Morocco, so you are not allowed to haggle with Taxi drivers. That 100 dh bill from DXB Int to your Hotel in Jumeirah is not the starting price for you to negotiate down. You HAVE to pay that amount in full.
2) When you are speaking to a Local or any Arab, you DON’T have to speak veeerrreeey sloooowleeey like this, because many of us do understand English. Just speak clearly. If we don’t understand we will say.
3) Don’t try to look shocked if any of us speak to you with excellent English. {obviously not including me ;) } Its rude and it could give a big head to some of us who are doing that speaking to you ;)
4) Women. Do not walk in City Centre with your pink legs all the way up to your belly button exposed and enough clevege displayed that it could put a pillow factory out of business and then complain that Arab men are such dogs for staring at you and asking you ‘how much?’ You come here; Respect the culture. By extension this goes to some black girls aswell (I’m guessing of the west African variety) umm, big hooped earrings, big make up and super tight jeans for shopping in Spinny’s… no no no, not a good idea. This is Dubai not Detroit.
5) Men. It doesn’t look very manly walking around with your fat pink legs exposed all the way up to your thighs in City Centre or Jumeriah Beach and then U complain that Arab men are such jerks for staring at you and asking ‘how much?’ ;)
6) Men (of the limp wristed variety) Yes women are harder to come by here BUT that doesn’t mean
all Arab men are still going to surrender to homosexual desire and give your arse a good seeing too with 8 inches of arabian hospitality *oops did i just cross the line?*. Well, I don’t care what you heared from your gay expat friend living in Satwa told you about us. You come here; Respect the culture and its people.
7) Those ready made dishdashers you can buy in the packets at the Airport and toursity type shops; Please don’t think about wear them in public. a) Your are not Arab, dishdashers are not for you. b) Good grieve man! It came out a freakin packet for goodness sake, even it was acceptable for you to dress like us still don’t wear it.
8) Women again. Don’t believe every young Arab stud you meet at a night club when he says his father is a rich oil sheikh or a prince back in his home country when he is only trying to get inside your jeans, because that
Hummer or Benz parked out side is really hired or just his best friends, and all his father does back in his ‘home country’ is sell falafels on the street corner. (that applies to expat women as well coz I am surprised by the mount of times my friends have told me they have used that line and gotten ‘immediate results’ :-o )
9) Dont walk around like this is still the days of Empire with an attitude. It doesnt play well here and that attitude wont take you far. Remember when it comes to giving attitute we can play that game better and this being our country we can win :)
If any one reading this felt I crossed the line at any point, well sorry, but I don’t think I said anything that is not true and what I did say does show you how you look like to us in our eyes. Ignorance of other peoples culture where your holidaying in , is never an excuse for un-appropriate behaviour. So no offence. Ok? Good.
I sincerely hope you enjoy your stay :)
I AM A LOCAL
No # 4 on my diss List.
LOCALS *gasp*
Alright then. I have the choice of writing this in arabic or english but I know not all locals can read arabic ;) or even speak it (thats for u Mr or Mrs Emirati person who grow up in Birmingham or LA or somewhere in between and now think you are more western than a westerner and now cant even speak ur mother tounge even though u r all dishdashed up. That is also for the Mr or Mrs Emirati person who only spent 1 year in a foreign country but come back with an American accent even though they was not even in America. How the *#%@ did you get an American accent if you spent all your time in Germany or UK or Australia? Hmm?)
Today I shall diss without breaking my fast Locals who are wannab shiekhs .
1) Dont drive around town in ur Toyota Lexus like you are the king of dubai. Because u know and I know u can barely keep up the payments and that you only have a job as a clerk in a bank or post office somewhere.
2) Dont let ur little brother drive around town in ur Toyota Lexus because that is just plain stupid.
3) Dont boast about ur next new mobile phone when u can barelly afford credit for it OR forget that the one 'all singing all dancing' one you have is not real but just a clone u bought in Bur Dubai.
4) Dont try to speak in an American accent to impress that blond expat girl when u can hardly string together one str8 sentence in English.
5) Dont go to the masjid and pray next to a paki or indian or bengali as an equal and then come out and wont even look at one or even notice his existance.
6) Shabab dont walk up and down in the mall all weekend talking on those freakin mobiles to your friends who all there with you in the mall anyway. Who are you talking to? Those things give tumors u know?
Dont take for granted the ground we live on and the life we have that has been prepared by our Beloved Sheikh Zayed. Dont be rude to those who have less than us, because we had nothing ourselve 2 generations ago. Remember
Surah 31:18 in the Quran. If u dont know it, please look it up.
Finally dont give these people (the rest of the world) a chance to look down on us, because we are arabs & say that we are lazy & we are not civilised like they are. That all we know is violence and discrimination and the achievements we have made in this country, our country in particular is only by chance..
Ya3ny dont let them say we are
lucky because we have
oil. Tell them we are
blessed because we have
vision.BTW... I am not an imam or sheikh or whatever, coz I am as bad as they come. But just blowing of steam, & expats and tourist dont relax coz ur both next on my dist list muwahhahahahaha!
B.O
# 3 on my Diss List
People with body odor.
From an age of soap, water, bukhor and madkhan to one with soap, water, bukhor, madkhan
and darrendoff, why do people still stink? There should be no excuse too smell bad. I have nothing more to say on that subject.
so whats next?
