I Propose: Shoes.
Ok this is the second in my I Propose series...and I think my blog is now beginning to smell like Balushi and Dengrous Boys Blog as its about women again. So yes the UAE education system is a failure... and Emirati men are all one track minded.Women and shoes.Women I don’t understand you. Me and my wife have a new villa and every room in the villa serves a purpose. It has four bedrooms. A master bedroom for me and the misses. Two smaller rooms, one for my daughters and one for quests, and a maid room and wardrobe room; ya3ny all the normal things. But the problems start with what to do with one extra room we now have.
This room is a decent sized room that I said will be good for a gym. Ya3ny I stopped going to gym since December when I became very busy. What makes my problem worse is that now where I am living there is no place to workout and I am beginning to grow a little hairy stomach… so I need a gym, at least in our villa. So I proposed something with the wife…
Q. Can we have gym?
A. Nooooo.
Q. Why?
A. We need shoe closet.
Q. Shoes?
But I cant argue with this. Why? My wife has shoes. Too, too many shoes with no where to put them and I think habiby may have some compulsive disorder coz every time when we was living in Dubai and she went out with the maid for some groceries , they would both come back with at least three pairs of shoes…each! So what is with women and shoes????
Women do you know men do not even notice your shoes? Secondly local women and those who wear Abaya do you realize that not even other women can notice your shoes when you are out. What a waste of money and although I curbed my maids habit of buying too many shoes by cutting her wage a bit, what can I do about my wife????
Listen I have sandals, a lot of them and I admit I used to hang out in Mandoos like it was my second home not to long ago and waste a whole load of money and stuff that I never even wore or gave away after one wear,. but at least with these clothings everyone else can see them…and so that Dh600 piece of footwear hasn’t gone to waste
But not with the ladies shoes. Really something needs to be done about women and this dangerous obsession you all have. Its bad enough that it takes 5 hours to find one pair of shoes you like but then you have to have about 500 pairs of them in different colors and shapes is just a haram waste of time and money.
Listen I will give you females a reality check. Men and women notice men’s sandals … but only women notice other womens shoes, and so the amount of time and money that you spend is not even worth it. And unless you people (females) can explain why shoes are so important…I propose for the women of the G.C.C free targeted neuro-therapy to help rid you and your sensitive little brains of this expensive bi-polar disorder.
I Propose: Videe’hoes
After reading the responces in the previous post and thinking very deeply about what I should rant about next, I consulted with my wife and then her father, then went to the local imam at my masjid, and even stop the police driving by. So I have decided that every now and then I will write some propositions, that can help make the world a better place ;-p These are the I Propose Selection :-
Because I take this blogging thing seriously I had to be sure about what to write next and then the answer came to me in a vision (ya3ny it wasn’t a vision but actually a video). After absolutely enjoying a Diana (someone make her local quick) Hadad video on the telly, (not the new polished one with Cheb Khaled but one of her ‘awkwardly funny’ khaleeji videos, because we all know that it is written in music video law that all traditional khaleeji video clibs must be awkwardly funny) another khaleeji video came on that had some plump women dancing together at a restaurant while some greasy fat guy in a red shirt made a fool of himself.
What was bad was that these women were gigging around so much that I thought their breasts were going to fly out their dresses! But before this post begins to sound like one of those misogynistic ‘Freedom of Speech’ blogs you can find floating around the UAE bloggasphere written by some of the other locals, I have to say that I am only talking about the booty in these video because I am concerned.
Khaleeji music video’s used to be nice wholesome experiences filmed on someones expensive camcorder and only featuring a group of guys lined in a row waving their rifles or canes. Now they are beginning to look like 2Live Crew videos and before you know and if nothing is done about it then today it will be women swinging their hair back and forth and tomorrow they will be kissing each other and bouncing their bootay in some thongs!
Now don’t read this blog and say ‘Oh Jassim you have lost the plot. Common! Khaleeji videos with the thongs? It will never happen!
Ya3ny. I have counted at least 5 videos where the tittys were barely concealed in the first place. Now they are daring to go that one step further with a little too much jigging around with unsupported breasts. Where would it all end??
I propose we go back to a value system that states that being an attractive woman does'nt mean you have to be professional at shaking your booty and that respect and modesty should be something we hold on to.
I also propose free bras..to support these women who feel they have nothing else going on in their lives accept to swing their hair and shake their ass.
Bloggers Block: What to write?
After my big return I cant think of what to write. I do have a couple of major major posts in a draft form, and it is part of a big cross post that will happen with Secret Arabian 1 and perhaps Sleepless In Muscat...but those details and post will come later. heheheSo this week what do I write?I can perhaps write poetry coz everyone else is writing poetry...like this is is freaking poets corner or whatever its called, but I dont want to.So I will open the floor to the people who come to this blog. I am going to do a major diss (i want it to be more funny than serious) but i dont know what to rant about. So pls leave a comment and we shall see what the next post will be about.
"Backseat of my jeep: Lets swing an episode"
100% Random RamblingsTime to switch gears and make some random ramblings about what happens in my 4X4… I like music too much and the best time to unwind is when I am riding in my ride with the system on full, so this post is dedicated to my man, Hussein Al Jasmi (left). This is not a diss, or a rant just a kind of a friendly warning. Something lighthearted...Everyone with taste and style likes this man and everyone without taste and style also likes this man because he deserve to be liked. Ask any Emirati about Mr Jasmi (or even any khaleeji) and they will give you the thumbs up about this man.
I love this guy because Mr Jasmi is one of the UAE’s brightest stars. His big chubby self is always smiling and his songs know how to make you feel good, especially when you think it is time to wake up the neighbours with some hib-hob khaleeji songs when you are driving through some remote Ajman suburb at 1:28 am in the morning, in a drop top convertible...with the volume up to 10 ;-).
But Mr Jasmi I am asking you…
No…
I am begging you please, please, please loose some weight now. Everytime I watch one of your video clips I get scared that you are going to drop dead in the middle of it from a heart attack. Dude! You Are To Fat! Walah its not healthy and I think you are symbol of a wider obesity problem we have in Dubai and the rest of the GCC. This is a bad situation and also embarrising. Ya3ny its almost embarrising as the rising levels of homosexuality being reported across every expat’s favorite Emirate Dubai. Infact you can even say it is even more embarrising because there are people in other parts of the Muslim world who are dying from hunger. Infact while I am on this subject of the fatness of people in any society, i am thinking that this is perhaps a symptom of something greater and when I think about this quote below ...I think about Dubai:
The goal of every culture is to decay through over-civilization; the factors of decadence,--luxury, skepticism, weariness and superstition,--are constant. The civilization of one epoch becomes the manure of the next.Anyway I have gone way way of my subject and so I will get back to Mr. Jasmi. If I was still doing my diss list you would have been at number # 11 with a diss called Fat People: You Take Up To Much Oxygen, just to be cruel.
But that would not be fair on you Mr Jasmi, because when you do your RnB Khaleeji thing you make the rest of us khaleeji wannabi-thug types look cool in our tinted out SUV’s and matching kandooras. No?
So habibi, lose some weight. Please…about 550lbs should do it and keep on doing what you do best.
Apart from Mr. Jasmi, who else keeps the neighbors up when I am driving through their neighbourhood at night? Well every month when I get afflicted with bloggers block, instead of writing poetry and silly limericks like Secret Dubai I shall publish my Jeep Play List. It’s a bit like Secret Arabian Journal I’s Blogging Around The Gulf…but actually interesting ;-)
Local Hero’s thugged out playlist for April:
1) Hussain Al Jasmi : Basy
2) Abdul Kareem – Anta Habibi
3) Sahih Sa’ad: Taj Al Galal 4) Toi – Everytime
5) J Lo and Fabulous- Get Right {I’m sorry but it has nice beat even though she’s a b!tch;-( } 6) Hind: Her whole new album but especially this.Delete the songs after listening to them.Ok? ok.
Embarrassing
Time to push the envelope, a little.One good thing about the internet is that it helps me explore the world around me more. I like to learn about the new cultures and peoples with little problem in getting the information. Ya3ny I might like to travel, but the internet also helps me find out about the places I might not get the chance to visit and cultures I don’t really want to experience in person anyway. The internet also teaches things about my own culture that I didn’t know about before, and even if that information that is a little wrong about my culture I admit that there is no smoke without the fire and some truth maybe there. But the question is how much truth and what am I even referring to anyway?
Well, I read about a very, very, very embarrassing phenomina on that slightly embarrassing blog by Balushi (that for some reason Nomaadic and Ali are linking to from their page) about the degenerates living in that ghetto hell called Satwa. I feel sick just typing this on my keyboard but apparently young UAE National men are being employed as ‘bottom feeders’ for male European expats. I try to be open minded about the gays because I am open-minded about most things in this life and even though I like to joke around with these rants, this rant is not going to be one of them. I touched on this subject before here and I will talk about it briefly again now, because Arabs don’t like to talk about taboo things like ‘sexuality’ nearly enough as we should do.
I see when I read non Arab’s appraisals about Arab men, it usually follows the ideas of their own personal sexual fantasies or fears. These misunderstandings that are made about us are usually made out of ignorance. Stories about the sexual ferocity of our species and how we like to do each others butts only arise from the pittyful situation of prison sex syndrome (which I think is an exaggerated phenomina anyway), also from the fact that we wear Dishdashas not trousers (this is feminine in their eyes), and also from the fact that we are tactile with each other (rubbing noses when we meet and holding hands when walk). For European origin people this could be unnerving or arousing coz it suddenly seems like we are all bi-sexual. But one thing they should remember whether their ideas about us are true or not, we are also Muslims and we have a strict code of rules regarding relationships sexual and otherwise and a lot of us still believe and act to these rules.
So this takes me back to the behavior of the residence of Satwa. Talk about living up to a disgusting sterotype. Right? First a question for the locals and any other Arab anywhere else in this country who does this thing: Why do it? The UAE isn’t Saudi Arabia. If you need something tight to poke then there are plenty of females around who will be willing to be open for you. (And to the respectable ladies reading this blog, sorry to be crude, I am not trying to offend… and trust me, you will be thanking me later when your best friend’s husband’s ex male lover comes knocking at their door 5 years after they got married missing his Local sugar daddy… and that it isn’t YOUR husband he is looking for).
So here is my message to Arab men and their western male 'admirers':
Unmarried brothers, I recommend that you wait. Wait and stay a virgin like yours truly until the wedding night. I have no shame of admitting to the world that I didn’t endulge in any sexual activities before I married: I never screw around with expat tourist girls, Filipina workers or Moroccan and Russian prostitutes NOR no same sex actions as an outlet when I was younger not even the ‘mm’. Abstinence is a good thing and wait till you get married to release your seeds and discover the joy of exploring your sexuality with your wife and growing together as a family in that relationship.
Now the second part is for the gay expats who come to the UAE to take advantage of a bad situation. I am not targeting all gays, just those who are here looking for str8 Arab studs that are not four legged: Get the fcuk back to the UK or US or whatever Arian backwater you come from. And please, please don’t misunderstand me in these words. I am not being my usual tongue-in-cheek self like I normally am on this blog. I am being 101% serious so there is no need to try read between the lines on this paragraph. I am asking you to leave, all of you. Just disappear you bunch of limp wristed Lawrence of Arabia wannabies. If you so need the Arab meat that you crave for, I suggest you go back to Morocco and continue corrupting the men there like you did back in the 70’s and 80’s, when you turned that stunning place into a wholesale sex destination like the Philippians and Thailand of today. Go there and do it, but don’t risk doing it here, not in my beautiful country because you will have to pray that none of your type come across any of my type because the scene will finish in blood, Walahi. And I guarantee that you and we will have a gay *bashing* ol’time.
Warning fin
Ketchup Episode II: The Empire of Indians Strikes Back
Ok. Emirati with his Godfather fixation (is fixation another word for fetish?) was happy with this one. I caught his little post… ‘I guess Zogby was right’ with reference to this post on ‘Insert Witty Blog Title Here’ and the unreported strikes in Dubai. Today I will eat a humble pie and ask when is the UAE going to learn to treat these Indians laborers with a little more dignity? We should raise the minimum wage for them or just deport them back coz there is too much of them here anyway. We cannot continue to treat other human beings as some kind of disposable work force because they are not the same race as us, haram.
It is time we started to build our country in the right way. So instead of allowing apparently str8 Iraninan and East African Emiraties to act as arse fillers for rich limp wristed westerners living in Satwa just to get some extra bling (see next post), how about employing more of them into the service and labour industries that the Indians are working in now?
What Nomaadic failed to mention on his Getting Cross Cultural expose on Balushi and E African Emiraties is that a lot of them are still imported in from their mother countries to this very day and are still being nationalized, so this is NOT some old historical phenomina. Many of these latter imports cant even speak Arabic, (which I don’t have a problem with since their roots are from my country anyway), but there are enough of them back in their birth countries who are too broke too poor and can fill the role Indians play today here. They will be happy to come to Dubai and work in the day as a toilet cleaner and at night drive around in a brand new 2006 Nissan Sunny or Toyota Corolla with 99.9% blacked out windows and loud booming system…Ya3ny this isn’t a bad thing for them because when they are Khaleejised into Emiraties they will of course be treated and payed better than back in their birth countries when they are getting a minimum wage of AED 3000 for doing (or cleaning) jack shit. True?
By the way we shouldn’t even have poor Emiraties because this wasn’t our father’s vision for this country. Sheikh Zayed wanted to lift everyone up. I go to Kuwait and see that they are all rich, with their strange dish-dashas and same looks (all Q8ts have the same face, ever noticed that?) but back in the UAE which has a better infrastructure and more solid diversified economy, I still have poor Local friends who live in squalid conditions (by my standards) and I am now running out of excuses to tell them why I wont stay the night at their places.
So some suggestions:
A) We need more locals in the UAE or else we will become extinct soon, so yeah import more Iranians (shi’te or sunni I don’t care) nationalize those with roots here and also help the Balushi cause by nationalizing them aswell. Also bring in more East Africans who are of Arab origins and nationalize them (but keep the gangsta wannabe’s out).
B) Nationalize some others aswell: 1) Those who marry Local women (common you know and I know it happens more than is admitted). As long as they are Muslim this should be the most important thing. Whether they are Arab or not and if they should be nationalized should be judged on a case by case basis. 2) Westerners who perhaps convert and feel like they are living in limbo and don’t belong to any culture, make them legible aswell but with certain rules and conditions.
C) Other Arabs who have been living here for a long time and who are more Emirati than most Emiraties but are originally national to some seriously fcuked up regimes (like a couple of Levantine and North African nations I can think of) should be nationalized.Yes we need some changes. Diversify the gene pool, increase the population, end the inbreeding and no longer be the minority in our own country.
Ketchup
This is part1 of a brief roundup on all the subjects I would of talked about in the past 4 months I was away. Call it ketchup, ya3ny catch-up ;-) Get it?... OK whatever… anyway….
Denmark
I am going to offend a lot of people here, but I have to say that I like my Danish Cheese so fcuk anyone who tells me that I can’t eat it. I would also like to say Fcuk you Spinny’s and Choitrams with your little displays of ‘cultural sensitivity’. Fcuk you with your, ‘oh we don’t sell cheese from Denmark’.
Tell me why didn’t you sell Danish cheese? Was it because your board of directors were all so personally offended by the cartoons of the Prophet Mohamed (SWS) or was it because you were afraid that people will stop buying from you, period: ‘Cultural Sensitivity’ translated from English to Arabic = Fear of lose of Revenue. Really not impressed with these fcuking hypocrites with their cultural sensitivities because the last time I checked, they were still selling Pork at the back of their stores…
As for you Muslims boycotting Danish goods? Please GROW UP! Ya3ny America and Israel are a tag team that has done so much more damage than the Danes have ever done but you still want to boycott their cheese.
Why?
Coz they are an easy target that’s all. You want to impress me. Boycott friends, Macdonald’s Britney Spears and all the other stuff, you bunch of hypocrites! Don’t tell me about the insulting of Prophet Mohamed (sws) is the reason why it should done, coz episodes of the South Park and American television Evangelists are saying things far worse than what I have seen in those cartoons but yet I still see you drinking the Pepsi and eating the KFC.
One last thing directed at the Muslims. Would the Prophet Mohamed react the way you reacted with the burning down of embassies and the harming of innocent lives. This bullshit of collective guilt is alien to our religion. Its stupid to blame all Danes for the Cartoons as it stupid to blame all Muslims for the actions of Bin Laden.
Before I end on this matter I have to follow Nomaadic’s comment on the role of the media in all this. This wasn’t so much about a cultural event as it was a media event. Sparked by the media and then stoked by the media, and because people have become so illiterate and have little ability to think a full thought through coherently they automatically see opposition to the cartoons as an attack on the freedom of speech. Ya3ny what is the point of freedom of speech if you don’t know how to speak. Like one sheikh said… freedom of speech is all fair and lovely if you know how to use it, but screaming ‘fire’ in the middle of a crowded cinema is hardly a responsible application of freedom speech if all its going to do is cause a panic and get people hurt or even killed. Use it responsibly.
Syriana
Good film. But today I will spear the UAE bloggers from yet another UAE bloggers view of Syriana because so far the reviews I have read have all been crap; especially this one... Tell me. Are any of you Bloggers, with your education and ability to form a sentence capable of creating at least one original thought in your head? Ya3ny is the ability to make a coherent argument that is not based on what TV channel you use to get your news from possible for you people? Please a review of Syriana is a review of a movie for its merits, not another chance to slag of the liberal lefties or Arabs or anti Bushites.
My review is non partisan. What I saw when I watched Syriana was a complex film about how a CIA hit man screws up in Iran over a missile that should have been dealt with, how the US Government then distance themselves from him when an Iranian agent in Lebanon nearly blows his cover on an assignation attempt on a Khaleeji prince, and then finally how that missing missile at the beginning literally comes back and bites everyone on the ass in the end. What an excellent thriller. The acting was good. The directing was good. The story was good.
Whether you agree with the politics of the film or not you have to give credit where credit is due. The people who have a problem with the film probably couldn’t grasp the story the first time round as it requires a lot of thinking as not everything is spelt out for you in bright clear letters. It is this same category of people who couldn’t understand the 5 minute scene between the Architect and Neo at the end of the Matrix: Reloaded nor the script for Space Jam.
My only problem with Syriana is that Star Trek guy’s guthra. Who did they get to do it for him? Coz it look lopsided most of the time.
J Lo in Dubai
Jennifer Lopez is coming to Dubai and she’s a B!tch. ...Well, there’s nothing much else to say on that subject…except that Robbie Williams was in Dubai aswell and he’s gay. So I guess they should both feel right at home here.
